Monday morning ramblings

There was a honeymoon period of six months where I enjoyed the addiction . It is difficult to remember those times. I remember I was using whilst painting a house we were moving out of in order to regain the deposit when a text from my brother told me to get to a tv. I did, in time to see the second of the aircraft hit the twin towers. I fairly quickly realised I had done something really stupid. How could someone as savvy as myself end up on heroin? Well, curiosity. A wish to understand what all those horror stories were about. A hunger for knowledge and experience had landed me in this foreign country, penniless, no map. Stranded.
First rattle I did with the aid of 60 codeine tablets that barely touched the surface. After seven days I flew out to Africa. In The Gambia everything was different and my addiction symptoms were lost amongst the chaos of emotions the new environment brought out. The wildlife fascinated me as it does everywhere I go. Whilst withdrawing from heroin all the protective neurotransmitters that keep you confident, free of pain and form a barrier to protect you from the harsh corners are gone and in some ways it resembles a trip. You can see the raw beauty in a way you have been unable to since you were a baby. Of course this leaves you incredibly vulnerable and you tend to remember hidden horrors as well as beautiful ones that are generally lost. You won't sleep at all for three weeks which you would have previously thought impossible. Once you are able to find brief windows of unconsciousness these are filled with horrific nightmares where you face the worst, dirtiest aspects of your being. The things you hide from yourself to survive explode upon you till you wake relieved only to face the continued pain of withdrawal. Distraction is your sole ally and a conversation to take your focus off yourself, just like in any pain situation like a broken leg but the distraction can never last for long. Of course sympathy is zero.
This brought a twelve year relationship to an end. I lost my house. I kept my van and. My workshop and lived in these for a year as I recovered. It takes a good year to relevel your endorphins. Some find they never fully return. Few ex heroin addicts have much of a sense of humour. Some turn to religion. The change you have to make in yourself is more deep and profound than most ever have to go through. Perhaps the anorexic or the extreme over eater may have to make similar transformations but few, very few have to reassess themselves in quite such a fundamental way.