https://youtu.be/Xl1IDzuxHF4
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Thursday, 5 February 2026
Tuesday, 3 February 2026
Monday, 2 February 2026
Saturday, 31 January 2026
Friday, 30 January 2026
Monday, 26 January 2026
And I’m so scared
And I'm so scared
But I know that my fear must be a small fraction of what her fear must be. Another doctor appointment today that resulted in very little other than an increase in her dose of antidepressants that I don't think work much. She found an NHS letter that describes her deterioration. How the cavities in her lungs are now much worse and contain toxins as yet unknown. On Friday we're back to the hospital for the camera through the nose and into the lung. She is very scared of going. It sounds incredibly uncomfortable and painful. It will be a challenge to get her to go but without it the situation will be undiagnosed and her deterioration will be more swift. I know that she won't get better. She will have good days and bad but the direction of the path is certain. I'm here to hold her hand all the way but I can't help carry the pain for her. Poor flower. I wish to dive into an ocean of heroin and never come up. I'm sorry. I'm so useless.
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Saturday, 24 January 2026
Another day
Another day
Goes by and we make it until teatime. I haven't slept keeping an eye on Claire. She has had a few patches of sleep from which she wakes in pain. She says she doesn't want to live like this. That she doesn't want to live. All I can do is try get her through in the hope that she will feel better than she does now at some point. I make sure she drinks. I try to get her to eat. Tablets and oxygen and tablets. She's sick of lieing in bed but she can't move without a red hot poker of pain skewering her. I ask if she wants to go to the hospital. She does. Then she doesn't. She isn't delirious. Not the psychotic episode from last year. Just pain. I can only nurse and bring her things if she needs them.
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