Bloodvein

Too much to do, too little time

When I'm asked how long me and Claire have been together I can never think of a number of years. Not long enough and it never will be. She has emphysema and if you google how long on average people live following diagnosis the average is five years. Claire was diagnosed ten years ago. A couple of years ago I stopped working to spend what time we had left together. I like my work and am fortunate that I was able to make a living from my vocation, designing and making things in wood. Mainly furniture. I've made a lot. I'm not sure if I can think of anyone else I know who has made as much as me. If only this converted into money we could have enjoyed my early retirement travelling more. But a year of two back I cashed in my pension. Claire wouldn't have been around to enjoy it with me so it made little sense in waiting. So we walked into town one day and we bought a holiday in Greece. The turquoise sea and white sand you dream of. The beautiful food and hospitality were a treat for us who had never been abroad together. In fact Claire had never been abroad at all and one of my pledges to her was to take her while we were both well enough to enjoy it. It truly was a magical time . A reluctant swimmer Claire coaxed me in and tropical fish caressed my legs. It is most often retrospectively that we are able to find awareness of the greatest moments of our lives yet shoulder deep in the Mediterranean I knew that this was one of the finest moments of my life. Claire found an independent bravery that saw her off on her own adventures through we were together for most of our time there. Knowing as I do now that our time together was limited cashing in my small pension was the best decision I could have taken. The following year saw Claire lose over three stone in weight. Despite the enthusiastic positivity of doctors we all know now Claire has perhaps another two years to live. They speak of surgery that may offer hope of a little more time but the brutal cutting away of damaged lung and hugely uncomfortable and long winded recovery time makes one question the wisdom of opting for such action. These are choices only she can make. Of course none of us know exactly how long we have but such philosophical outlooks are easy to mull over when it isn't my body that is breaking down. The bravery and stoicism she shows fills me with admiration and humility. And guilty as I am with the thought I wonder just what I will do when I am left alone. How will I cope in the aftermath I don't know and fills me with a shame when she is facing the immeasurably greater fear that she faces at her own mortality. The scape of the love we hold for another equates to the pain we feel at their loss. But there is no option. The situation will play out, like it or not. So we must live in the now. Make the most of the time we have together just as we all must and perhaps this could prove a gift. Not to waste a moment. Savour every second of life as though it is our last. We must all one day return to the darkness from which we came.

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