Wednesday, 21 January 2015
Dream
Tonight I slept early then woke from a strong dream. A big old grey snow bear was preparing its bed for the night. Not sad or happy. Just tired, doing what bears do. I think it was Midge, preparing for sleep.
Midges Last Hours
Around boxing day Midge and her brother, for some reason beyond my grasp, conspired to tell the world she had passed away. She had 'died' once before. In her dementia and denial a belief grew that this lie was white and protective of those of us worrying about her final suffering. I used AL-LAD in sacrament and communed with her spirit.
This lie was unturned around new year. Since then her life has gradually evaporated. Two days ago the chief nurse estimated she had 72 hours to live. Last week me and my partner wrote her long letters explaining what she had given us, how her influence and ideas were like a stone thrown in to a still lake and the ripples would carry on eternally. Energy never goes, just alters form, matter particles of her will roam the universe. As an atheist I have none of the rituals nor processes that provide a plan of how to get on, no what to do. Lately my atheism has taken some beatings from spiritual aspects of the psychedelic experience. For a time we can see beyond the veil, an opening allowing us a peep out of the reality our naked senses permit. What is for sure our visible or accessible reality is a small portion of something much greater. Knowing how much my dog is not party to suggests our small view is not of a much greater awareness. None of us know the deeper details. We see shadows out of view that firelight permits us knowing what is there is so much more than a human mind can comprehend.
My partner has had the task of getting her accepting her deaths imminence. Midge has fought authorities from care homes as a child, through jail, and her trust in what the doctors told her was slim. Other responsibilities have been thrust on to my partners frail shoulders. Informing a fraternity of freinds, spread across the world. Most disturbing for her has been informing distant freinds Midges end was nigh whilst still talking to her on an evening. This split teality gave her a feeling of guilt, even deception she has been braver than I have ever known a human be.
Today she rang and at first the nurses wouldn't allow her to talk as Midge can no longer speak at all clearly, but they finally agree to hold the receiver to her ear. She was able to tell her she loved her. How her influence and outlook had given her a framework for her own morality and sense of right and wrong. My partner was kicked out of home at 15 and lived homeless until travellers tooth her under their wing and taught her how to live on no money. Then Midge stepped in. Became a surrogate mother to her. Each time she drifted in to wrong crowds or dangerous habits, Midge would hunt her down, with a posse of bikers and steal her away. There was no hiding from Midge.
I was lucky to meet her before alcohol had stolen her looks. Midge was a warrior queen, a highlander, ted auburn hair and magical green eyes. Her first love died in a motorcycle accident. Her second great love left himself suspended from a noose for her to find. Understandably Midge drank to accommodate the bad hand she had been dealt.
Theo's drinking was what shortened her life to 57 years but, by God, she lived. Some spend their life working solely to extend it, in doing so they forget life is to be lived. There is more than a joke in the george best tail of being found on a bed of money with a miss world and champagne bottles littering the room. "Where did it all go wrong,George?".
Who is to say George's life, the most naturally talented player of his generation, crammed with excess and adventure. A life worthy of many a book. Who is to say that taking that choice, to live life to the full is in anyway worse than the countless lives of limited events, lasting long, without a single tail to leave the world.
Midge is hours from death. I hope she is comfortable as possible. I,so glad my partner got toto say goodbye, to let her know how much she had learned from her, how much she was loved. This godsend, to be told your life was of value. And to be told they'd meet again. As an agnostic I can not say, but if there is a fraction of a chance, these two will find each other, perhaps as particles in space, perhaps in ways we know nothing of yet.
This is an early orbituary. We love you forever Midge.
This lie was unturned around new year. Since then her life has gradually evaporated. Two days ago the chief nurse estimated she had 72 hours to live. Last week me and my partner wrote her long letters explaining what she had given us, how her influence and ideas were like a stone thrown in to a still lake and the ripples would carry on eternally. Energy never goes, just alters form, matter particles of her will roam the universe. As an atheist I have none of the rituals nor processes that provide a plan of how to get on, no what to do. Lately my atheism has taken some beatings from spiritual aspects of the psychedelic experience. For a time we can see beyond the veil, an opening allowing us a peep out of the reality our naked senses permit. What is for sure our visible or accessible reality is a small portion of something much greater. Knowing how much my dog is not party to suggests our small view is not of a much greater awareness. None of us know the deeper details. We see shadows out of view that firelight permits us knowing what is there is so much more than a human mind can comprehend.
My partner has had the task of getting her accepting her deaths imminence. Midge has fought authorities from care homes as a child, through jail, and her trust in what the doctors told her was slim. Other responsibilities have been thrust on to my partners frail shoulders. Informing a fraternity of freinds, spread across the world. Most disturbing for her has been informing distant freinds Midges end was nigh whilst still talking to her on an evening. This split teality gave her a feeling of guilt, even deception she has been braver than I have ever known a human be.
Today she rang and at first the nurses wouldn't allow her to talk as Midge can no longer speak at all clearly, but they finally agree to hold the receiver to her ear. She was able to tell her she loved her. How her influence and outlook had given her a framework for her own morality and sense of right and wrong. My partner was kicked out of home at 15 and lived homeless until travellers tooth her under their wing and taught her how to live on no money. Then Midge stepped in. Became a surrogate mother to her. Each time she drifted in to wrong crowds or dangerous habits, Midge would hunt her down, with a posse of bikers and steal her away. There was no hiding from Midge.
I was lucky to meet her before alcohol had stolen her looks. Midge was a warrior queen, a highlander, ted auburn hair and magical green eyes. Her first love died in a motorcycle accident. Her second great love left himself suspended from a noose for her to find. Understandably Midge drank to accommodate the bad hand she had been dealt.
Theo's drinking was what shortened her life to 57 years but, by God, she lived. Some spend their life working solely to extend it, in doing so they forget life is to be lived. There is more than a joke in the george best tail of being found on a bed of money with a miss world and champagne bottles littering the room. "Where did it all go wrong,George?".
Who is to say George's life, the most naturally talented player of his generation, crammed with excess and adventure. A life worthy of many a book. Who is to say that taking that choice, to live life to the full is in anyway worse than the countless lives of limited events, lasting long, without a single tail to leave the world.
Midge is hours from death. I hope she is comfortable as possible. I,so glad my partner got toto say goodbye, to let her know how much she had learned from her, how much she was loved. This godsend, to be told your life was of value. And to be told they'd meet again. As an agnostic I can not say, but if there is a fraction of a chance, these two will find each other, perhaps as particles in space, perhaps in ways we know nothing of yet.
This is an early orbituary. We love you forever Midge.
Monday, 19 January 2015
1P-LSD Review
The excitement of a brand new UK legal lysergoid had the psychonaut community posting madly. Lizard Labs were first to have this new substance on the market, followed closely by Organic Synth and Research Blotz. In essence a work in process hence judgement on the fully developed product would be premature. Lizard Labs deserve great respect for so swiftly delivering joy to a depressed psychedelic scene.
AL-LAD also available from Lizard Labs is the best drug I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Powerful, euphoric, visually magnificent yet somehow free of the dark corridors that dog acid and mushroom trips. Very empathic and emotional. The window in time whilst it was legal in the UK was wonderful. Sadly on the 7th of January, along with LSZ and a whole bunch of tryptamines it was banned. The psychonauts in morning began to hear rumours. A new lysergoid was on the way. Just seven days after the ban, in poetic timing 1P-LSD arrived.
With hindsight I wish I had waited. Personal problems and a distracted mind meant my first trip was an introverted one. I took 200ug, a sufficiently strong dose for the experienced psychedelic explorer. Walking the night streets brought little in the way of visuals. Clouded by personal concerns my trip was educational more than pleasurable helping me through some issues . Very much like LSD it heald an impartial mirror revealing areas of self deception, angles of denial I had drifted in to.
I have never had a bad trip but on occasion have had a dressing down. Exposure to truth. It is the ultimate bullshit detector.
I will be retrying her out on calmer waters soon. Set and setting are as important to the trip as the drug. Looking forward to round two. After an hour or twos sleep I did visit the lads to bring a little colour to the fading 1P. AL-LAD is considerably shorter in duration, 5 or 6 hours. 1P-LSD-LSD nearer 10 to 12 hours. Tolerance is 100% the day after but I find, if trip traces remain, you can blow the embers back in to flame, these lads did just this.
The next synthesis is four weeks away so any faults should be resolved by then. How long it will be around before it's inevitable ban, who knows, but it's wise to enjoy this window of legality. Lizard Labs nobly are providing the only known cure for depression, cluster head aches, a compound able to allow the terminally ill accept their fate, and also the only real option we have in seeing teality from a fresh standpoint.
My life has been spoiled by some drugs whilst psychedelics have enhanced it spiritually to an extent I can not deny. Among the greatest things I have come across in life.
AL-LAD also available from Lizard Labs is the best drug I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Powerful, euphoric, visually magnificent yet somehow free of the dark corridors that dog acid and mushroom trips. Very empathic and emotional. The window in time whilst it was legal in the UK was wonderful. Sadly on the 7th of January, along with LSZ and a whole bunch of tryptamines it was banned. The psychonauts in morning began to hear rumours. A new lysergoid was on the way. Just seven days after the ban, in poetic timing 1P-LSD arrived.
With hindsight I wish I had waited. Personal problems and a distracted mind meant my first trip was an introverted one. I took 200ug, a sufficiently strong dose for the experienced psychedelic explorer. Walking the night streets brought little in the way of visuals. Clouded by personal concerns my trip was educational more than pleasurable helping me through some issues . Very much like LSD it heald an impartial mirror revealing areas of self deception, angles of denial I had drifted in to.
I have never had a bad trip but on occasion have had a dressing down. Exposure to truth. It is the ultimate bullshit detector.
I will be retrying her out on calmer waters soon. Set and setting are as important to the trip as the drug. Looking forward to round two. After an hour or twos sleep I did visit the lads to bring a little colour to the fading 1P. AL-LAD is considerably shorter in duration, 5 or 6 hours. 1P-LSD-LSD nearer 10 to 12 hours. Tolerance is 100% the day after but I find, if trip traces remain, you can blow the embers back in to flame, these lads did just this.
The next synthesis is four weeks away so any faults should be resolved by then. How long it will be around before it's inevitable ban, who knows, but it's wise to enjoy this window of legality. Lizard Labs nobly are providing the only known cure for depression, cluster head aches, a compound able to allow the terminally ill accept their fate, and also the only real option we have in seeing teality from a fresh standpoint.
My life has been spoiled by some drugs whilst psychedelics have enhanced it spiritually to an extent I can not deny. Among the greatest things I have come across in life.
Monday, 12 January 2015
Beautiful Day
In savage fashion the police have attacked psychedelics like nothing else. The biggest police operation in british history involved twelve forces and over 500 officers. Was this effort to counter the heroin empires that destroyed my generation? Was it to destroy the vast paedophile network. No, it was Operation Julie. LSD, a physically harmless drug that leads some to religious experience, cures depression and just could possibly lead mankind to a higher spiritual condition. These chemists were not criminals driven by money but ideological men who believed in spreading good.
The emergent research chemical scene has produced some vicious products. Benzo addiction has grown. Yet the authorities saw fit to ban tryptamines and AL-LAD. It is apparent that transcendence is of greater worry than crime.
Yet in a master stroke of poetic beauty and timing, today 1P-LSD has emerged as the UKs new legal lysergic. Those who work to kill joy, to spread the dull, to destroy possibility and hope were given a massive 'fuck you'. Your pathetic attempts to remove beauty from the world are no match for our chemists working to spread a greater good. Psychedelics should be legal. They are not like drugs. They are man kinds key to other worlds. An evolutionary trigger for higher being.
The emergent research chemical scene has produced some vicious products. Benzo addiction has grown. Yet the authorities saw fit to ban tryptamines and AL-LAD. It is apparent that transcendence is of greater worry than crime.
Yet in a master stroke of poetic beauty and timing, today 1P-LSD has emerged as the UKs new legal lysergic. Those who work to kill joy, to spread the dull, to destroy possibility and hope were given a massive 'fuck you'. Your pathetic attempts to remove beauty from the world are no match for our chemists working to spread a greater good. Psychedelics should be legal. They are not like drugs. They are man kinds key to other worlds. An evolutionary trigger for higher being.
Sunday, 11 January 2015
Sunday, 4 January 2015
AL-LAD, grief and loss of respect
Greif comes in strange and unpredictable ways. Since Midge passed away I don't think my partner has fully accepted it yet. They were much closer than I was to Midge but she meant a lot to me. We had one of those family relationships where we could get on each other's nerves yet still knew what was important.
I drove to Trowbridge to the paints and polish shop and had a couple of AL _LAD in my pocket. With the immininent law changes coming in i chewed them up and swallowed knowing I would be home before any effects took hold. The shaky transition of realities can be a little disorientating as patterns on Lino flooring warp and shift. Hallucinatory openings begin. Midge was there. My partner lay in bed, reading and sleeping. Midges smells permeated the flat. Her colours, the patterns of her drapery, her spirit, her presence was strong. Whether you take AL-LAD atheisticslly or believe in the spirits it can invoke one thing is for sure. While tripping they are real and that maybe all we can say of any truth. I have never felt the prescience of a dead person so strongly in m,y life. She was there.
This communication went on for some time. I went to lie next to my partner and floods of tears came from my eyes. I yearned to share this but I don't think I was able.
As darkness came I took Dook to lidl. Sparkling in his glory. Sharp his aesthetic with red harness he looked magnificent.
Some sad things have happened this year. I decided to come out regarding my past use of drugs, much like homosexuals do, so as not to live a lie. This proved to be my undoing.
I told My workshop partner who I shared a workshop with about my AL-LAD trip on my birthday.
Now our fifteen odd years of workshop sharing are coming to an end. His knowledge of drugs is slim and narrow based on his smoking cannabis and taking cocaine at Glastonbury. These are two drugs I hate and don't classify with the transcendent qualities of halucinogens.
The yearning for spiritual transcendence is deep in all of us. AL-LAD can deliver these sensations. It is not something to be taken often, more a sacrament to be used sparingly when needed.
So, coming out has lost my two closest or two of my closest freindships. But if they are built on ground that the admission of occasional psychedelic use can crumble one has to ask if they are important. For several years I have been needing to find a more creative working environment. My work tends to be solid timber, native hardwood furniture and the odd art piece. Magnus focuses more on MDF and commercial work. To develope one needs creative people to bounce ideas off. Time to move to a working environment where a more artistic approach is evident.
This year has been tough. My psychotic episode resulted in this rejection from people close. Mental illness pushes people away. I felt a deep loss of respect from people close to me.
What I learned this year, and I had been warned by gay people, jews and blacks is that straight people may pretend, even to themselves that they are not raccsist. They will claim they accept homosexuals. They will claim to see equality in the mentally ill. But scratch that veneer, just a little, and they are still bigots underneath.
I drove to Trowbridge to the paints and polish shop and had a couple of AL _LAD in my pocket. With the immininent law changes coming in i chewed them up and swallowed knowing I would be home before any effects took hold. The shaky transition of realities can be a little disorientating as patterns on Lino flooring warp and shift. Hallucinatory openings begin. Midge was there. My partner lay in bed, reading and sleeping. Midges smells permeated the flat. Her colours, the patterns of her drapery, her spirit, her presence was strong. Whether you take AL-LAD atheisticslly or believe in the spirits it can invoke one thing is for sure. While tripping they are real and that maybe all we can say of any truth. I have never felt the prescience of a dead person so strongly in m,y life. She was there.
This communication went on for some time. I went to lie next to my partner and floods of tears came from my eyes. I yearned to share this but I don't think I was able.
As darkness came I took Dook to lidl. Sparkling in his glory. Sharp his aesthetic with red harness he looked magnificent.
Some sad things have happened this year. I decided to come out regarding my past use of drugs, much like homosexuals do, so as not to live a lie. This proved to be my undoing.
I told My workshop partner who I shared a workshop with about my AL-LAD trip on my birthday.
Now our fifteen odd years of workshop sharing are coming to an end. His knowledge of drugs is slim and narrow based on his smoking cannabis and taking cocaine at Glastonbury. These are two drugs I hate and don't classify with the transcendent qualities of halucinogens.
The yearning for spiritual transcendence is deep in all of us. AL-LAD can deliver these sensations. It is not something to be taken often, more a sacrament to be used sparingly when needed.
So, coming out has lost my two closest or two of my closest freindships. But if they are built on ground that the admission of occasional psychedelic use can crumble one has to ask if they are important. For several years I have been needing to find a more creative working environment. My work tends to be solid timber, native hardwood furniture and the odd art piece. Magnus focuses more on MDF and commercial work. To develope one needs creative people to bounce ideas off. Time to move to a working environment where a more artistic approach is evident.
This year has been tough. My psychotic episode resulted in this rejection from people close. Mental illness pushes people away. I felt a deep loss of respect from people close to me.
What I learned this year, and I had been warned by gay people, jews and blacks is that straight people may pretend, even to themselves that they are not raccsist. They will claim they accept homosexuals. They will claim to see equality in the mentally ill. But scratch that veneer, just a little, and they are still bigots underneath.
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