Tex

These last six months have seen Tex losing the sparkle in his eye. He has various lumps and bumps on his outer skin that have developed over the years. These tumours are of little consequence. About six weeks ago I noticed the smell from his anal scent glands becoming frequent. This was followed by some infection and a lump near his anus. A visit to the vets saw a course of antibiotics clear up the initial infection. The lump still grows. Talking to a more experienced vet and reading on the Internet revealed that this type of cancer can be particularly aggressive. Treatment would be opening a wound in a sensitive area that often never heals, followed by chemotherapy. Of course with a human people tend to hold on to life at all costs. With a dog it is regarded as inhumane to suffer them such indignities. The vet warned it would be weeks and months rather than months and years. 

I returned to the workshop. Tex seemed un phased by the prognosis. After all, he doesn't know what is happening. After a lot of tears I got on with some work and he curled up by the timber, as is his way.

Within a week he was struggling to lift his back legs. We have known for some time that he was beginning to go lame. In some ways this makes it easier to bare. If his senses and health in general were good but he couldn't walk, decisions would be far harder. This last weekend has seen him struggling to get around.

I found a flat on the ground floor some weeks back, with a view to his final days. But this has all turned to rot. The letting agents failed to tell me the flat is for sale. the regular viewings have meant we rarely go there. it lies empty, sucking off money, occasionally being used for laundry. i am looking in to my legal position. Back to plan A, turning my van in to a campervan where we can live. Here he will be able to easily get out to have a shit etc. the insulation and ply boarding is underway and today I move on to cladding this with tongue and grooved boarding. The skylight and window are fitted.

Older dog owners had told me how tough this would be. Some say they will not have a dog again for fear of such pain. I won't say my head fuck is any worse than any other dog lover. But it is upsetting.

One day I would like to write up his life story. It would be an impressive read. We have been together for pretty much every day for twelve years. His separation anxiety being such that he would tare houses apart trying to escape if left alone.

If I had to explain what he gave me most it would be a belief in goodness. My outlook tends to be Darwinian. People I see as largely self serving and survival orientated. Tex, though, is genuinely good. He hurts if his clumsy nature hurts anything else. He aims always to do the right thing, regardless of the consequences.  The time i tied him to a heavy metal bin outside a chip shop in leeds. he pulled it over and thought he was being chased by it and ran off, metal bin banging, smashing cars as he ran past, a trail of chip wrapperes behind. the time i took evening spanish lessons and returned to see all my neighbours out in the street, looking up, and tex on the house roof. climbing up to get him down. So many memories. I had to give up lecturing as no one at the time was able to look after him. It was worth it. He also sorted out which of my freinds were worth knowing. Those who wouldn't let him in their homes were swiftly dumped. It was either that or sit feeling guilty for leaving him alone outside in the van. Dogs shouldnt be tret like that and, after a particularly horrible christmas day spent at some 'freinds', nipping out every twenty minutes to check he was ok, i gave up doing that. i still feel bad for those early months of having him when others had be concinced that this was acceptable behaviour. Funnily, these were often vegetarians who often have little true respect for animals and can be more driven by their inability to accept the viscera of nature than any real consideration for life. These middle class, green, vegetarian types harboured a whole lot of deeper squalidity than my old junky freinds in leeds. After leaving the city the heroin epidemic hit and a number of people I knew succumbed to opiates. Richard, my closest freind, was the only person I trusted leaving Tex with. Despite his affliction he never did other than his utmost in looking after Tex during those months when my father was ill and I had to return to leeds to keep an eye on him. I found work, museum fitting, and Richard would look after Tex in the day. You see heroin may bring out the very worst in a person, but it will only bring out what is there to begin with. And Richard, even in the throes of a powerful illness that ultimately was to kill him, still looked after Tex, and showed higher morals than those middle class, green, vegetarians, too up themselves to share there home with another species. If I were of faith, I would take comfort in thinking of him up there, in heaven, waiting to care for Tex till my work down here is done.

These last remaining days, and as blade runner told us, we none of us know how long we have got, will be difficult. We'll keep away from people as much as we can. I'll get the van done today and tomorrow and we'll live closely together, as we have done through thick and thin these past dozen years.