Monday terror

Not a word of it got through. Cross chatter interrupted my subconscious and rose to the surface each time I pushed it under, like those polystyrene swimming floats. Drifting out of sleep at four am to rude consciousness, from oblivion to brutal being in seconds is the marker of that horror that punctuates my life. Months go by of standard peaks and troughs, days of joy, contentment, sadness, never lingering long enough to define me as categorically happy, sad or stable. Then the beast under my skin will flex. Is it the work? The endless lack of base? But you can spend hours of psychotherapy, stripping back the layers of the onion, only to find more of the same. And here you have to accept that it isn't the subject, because altering the focus changes nothing. Think of your softest kitten subjects, or daily chores, and all deliver the same fear. Fear is the correct response to some situations, depression only to be expected during grief. It is when no trigger can truly be isolated. No problem can be unearthed causing the malaise.
Few get to explore their lives as they would wish. Most never get a big enough stash of money to sit still for long. No matter how distressing their job, they must go to work. Even where the work is slowly killing them, be it inhalation of dust, or the psycho disturbance of stress from incapacity of human endurance. They just don't have the money. Stop for a week and you may pick it back up. Eat a little less, no sweeties or comics. But drop a month and you are close to the gutter. For most, homelessness may feel a mile away but, really, it is within reach. Stop working and your rent runs out. So we jump from bus to train, never able to look at the scenery. Lives consumed like so much petrol. Consolation only recorded by pride in offspring. It is all worth it for the kids. But passing the buck to the next generation is a poor excuse for sacrificing your life.
Purpose is what we all need. My admiration goes out to the few who can tolerate unemployment. Excusing ones own being is hard enough when you are paying for it. Your life is your responsibility, I was brought up to believe. We started out from home, set on a new way. To differ from previous generations defined by war. Still our tribal pride, our faith in the people was betrayed by tradition, or maybe nature, when couples took up together, staked their place, had children,then abandoned all other responsibilities. Herein lies the seed of our destruction. All effort from this point dedicated to the furtherance of their own genes, at the expense of all others, overlooked how life works. Any organism is dependent on environment.. Further, the organism is an expression of environment. And just as the dogma of the soul separated our consciousness from our bodies, so too, this perversion for the isolation of the nuclear family seperate a us from our context. Environmental disregard follows abandonment of the tribe. The delusion that a mind can be free from a body is a parallel to the delusion that we can live, as an organism seperate from our environment. You can see how the separation of labour and specialisation leads to confusion and ignorance as to where food comes from, where objects come from, to the point where money is our only currency.
All this haste, the political dogma of growth, the inability to look down from a higher point, one where we see that this idea of a global race is recent, and ought to be discarded. The idea of a linear narrative, from confusion to understanding, forward to Christian salvation, or scientific truth, is not the only way. Other people's have seen cycle where we see race. Have observed seasonal change and rotation.
But I'm drifting here. Off target. Terrors have me. The sweeping slurry of vehicular noises swash outside below me. Work has begun, and the men must go out to fight for their supper. Vans, exhaust, death. And the more mad than me are caught out, they must prove they are mad or go to the gutter. This government has chosen to see the unwell as fraudsters. To assume all mental illness is a hoax. They have to be assessed, their madness tested. This barbarity is the nearest to political evil we have seen in our soft post war lives. Those smart enough to play the system will continue to benefit, while those who are really ill will die.