Now

Certainly been a trying time of late. The landlord made an agreement with me that if I made new windows to replace the old ones at the front of the cottage he would pay by me not paying rent for a month. This meant he got the work done for roughly a third of the going rate. Believing I would be here for some time I carried out the work spending approximately a months rent on materials alone. In addition to this I restored and painted the front door as it was neither secure nor weather proof. I also redecorated the entire ground floor. He reneged on our deal and as there is no written agreement he has asked for that months rent threatening me with CCJ and stealing the deposit. Angered by his deceit i handed in my notice. Now I must decide whether to forfeit his threats or pay the rent. The labour and material costs I have incurred is in the region of £1600. He has made no offer to even cover material costs.
My van went for its MOT and I was quoted £195 for the work required to get through this. I put funds aside to this figure. Yesterday the garage rang telling me they misquoted and now I must pay around £300. I need the van to move so shall have to pay this today. I am due a final payment on a desk I am making next Tuesday so all should be well in the end but till then I can not pay the rent even if I wished to.
These figures may seem small and under normal circumstances I would be able to cover it all but due to time lost at work earlier in the year through mental health problems I am at zero funds. Certainly trying times. If the garage sticks to its re quote I can just afford to pay but any additions or if the quote does not include the VAT I will have to ask that they wait a few days for payment. In recent years I had been fairly flush with a decentish pool in the bank to fall back on but this last year has been such a nightmare of mental problems I have found myself in this position.
On the positive sued the desk is going to look fantastic. Material costs have run way over expectation but the design is a strong one.
I am considering this as being my final piece as it would be a magnificent one to sign off on. Much of the final payment will be going on leather for the top and carving round the edge.
From here I aim to begin work on my PhD. I believe I have something important to say on the subject of touch that has not been written about before and would like to get this done before I die.
I spoke about this with my clinical psychologist yesterday. My aim first is to resolve any remaining drug problems over the next couple of years as I am still dependent on bupronorphine and etizolam. Coming off these drugs and destabilising is not something I am looking forward to. Finding time to endure the withdrawals will be awkward as there is no way it can be done whilst working. Tapering off is a recipe for relapse and I would far rather find somewhere to do my rattle over a short six months then a further eighteen months should allow my neurochemistry to restabalise.
Prescription drugs have bandaged me together for years, patching me up so I could carry on working. Like a car with botched repairs I raced on heald together with tape and whatever was to hand. This cannot continue indefinitely though and I can see no other way than to stop and undergo a proper refurbishment. Whether this will be possible remains tobe seen. I am also tied in to a two year work project the details of which have not yet been defined. I am obliged to complete this work as the client has been something of a patron throughout the last fifteen years without whose work I would have no doubt had to remain a university lecturer, a position I never enjoyed. If this is the case then the refurbishment will have to wait as my duty to others overrides my personal needs. At present this attitude is not working. I find myself deeper and deeper in to a situation I feel unable to resolve.
Perhaps that is life. Obligations, debts, work then death.