Eclipse

tomorrows partial eclipse begins at 8 am and peaks for us around 9.30. I hope for clear sky. I hope o make it to Cleeve Hill and climb to the top to view this rare sight. I recall just after moving here, fifteen years ago a similar partial but fairly covered sun. The cows lay down, birdsong stopped. These strange moments don't feel good. The eclipse at christs execution comes to mind. But I hope to gather from it what I can.
 My mind has been positive but I am running down. My work is behind. I spend time on film and photography. Shamanic research. I am hoping for a three month rehab to free me of the chemicals my body became dependent on. Benzos and bupronorphine the two hardest. Ethylphenidate has crept in and a mania grips me. All money is gone. I need a cash injection but can't see one coming. Whether I explain I need to take this three month retreat to everyone or not. My addictions are the tailends of replacement addictions. These medicines stopped the chaos of my life but left me numbed. Emotionally I am so turned down it is not possibly to love, certainly not fall under a clamour, fall in love. I have made a terrible mistake in speaking out. This will return to sever my life. I know it. I ought not to have trusted my partners parents. The issues are not within their understanding. They can not help but worry but their understanding is too small. I should have said nothing. They will come in with the delicacy of elephants. Everybody thinks they understand things but unless you have been addicted to each drug, your knowledge is worse than nothing. Experience of heroin will confuse any attempt to grasp crack, alcoholics have no incite into heroin. They are not transferable knowledge. I fell in to benzodiazepines. Having been a heroin addict in the past I assumed I had knowledge. The differences are vast.
GABA receptors and that family of neurotransmitters calm us, they are a large part of our reality perception and personality construction. Withdrawal is far worse than opiate withdrawal.. Opiates, endorphins keep pain at bay and balance emotions. Withdrawal sees returning emotions in torrential downpour. Discomfort of all types. Much like a baby, unable to understand emotion, you cry.
I am killing myself behind this blanket of opiates and benzos with ethylphenidate. More corrosive than anything I have touched. How I went from two years of complete sobriety to this kamikaze lifestyle I can't say. Explaining is impossible. To get even a hold on any of it you need understand that addiction meens you, the self, has no control over your use. Your behaviour is not consious nor acts of volition. That is what addict meens. You have lost any free will. Yet still people speak to you of intentions, aims, goals, as though choice existed. There is no control. If I could see myself, if I could choose what to do, I would be well already.
Addiction is so little understood. Ideas grow fashionable then wither. New visions take over. But none so far nail it at all. As with other mental illnesses it seems unless we figure out a biology of consiousness we will continue these superstitious rituals where we have no science. Or is it a new thing altogether. A dis function of the soul.
Certainly, addiction confirmed for me free will is an illusion. Agency is desperately clung to by those grown up on religious foundations. A belief in choice is hard to shake off. They will resort to the language of philosophy. Determinism. The truth is more likely to lie in acceptance that we are animals. We can spin a yarn but our stories, our personalities bare no relationship to our actions. Our skill is lieing. Deceit and self deceit. We describe or narrative constructs, explaining as story of who we would be. But our actions, the truth, has little or no connection. We believe ourselves. But consiousness, so prized and considered, is of no real value. This tip of the iceberg above water, so tiny to the mass beneath. We are not in control. We act first. Cognitive decision making can never be fast enough. We have acted before we know it. The reason is constructed to rationalise an animal impulse.
I just wish to retrain in order to survive. Like a dangerous dog. We can be trained the same way. But consious effort is no use. A foolish idea. No one is to blame. No one asked to be what they are. I can take no pride in not killing children because I have no desire to. Drug takers did not choose to be so. Any more than homosexuality being a choice. Non addicts can take no pride in abstinence from something they don't desire. Morality. Criminality. Everything we are must be reassessed. I don't steal cars, but not because I am good, I just don't wamt to.
The next person to talk as if it's a choice will have this explained to them.