Saturday 11th June

The sun has been shining for a few weeks now and as Glastonbury festival gets closer I can't help but think that the skies will open on all the revellers. I'm usually there, working in some capacity as a way to get a free ticket. Not this year though. I've not been offered a job there and maybe it's for the best. Claire, my partner just wouldn't be up to it. Last year we were there saw our job requiring us to break a path through the intoxicated crowd for Norman cook, fat boy slim to make his exit in a large four wheeled vehicle with tinted glass hiding his identity. Claire managed but it tired her out. She pushed herself beyond what her body was capable of. I knew then if I were to work there I'd be on my own. Cook was a lovely guy as was his assistant who treated all as equal. I couldn't go without Claire so that's me done with the Pilton pop festival for a while.

Her spirit is up on the whole however she has moments of panic. We need to get through the tests before we know for sure. Due to her earlier life as a drug user she has no veins near her surface and the hospital had arranged for a cannula blood test prior to her X-ray, also due to being unable to have a colonoscopy due to sexual trauma she had endured in earlier life. This kindly arranged practice was missed as she got the appointment time wrong. Frustrating but we have to live with it. Hopefully we can rearrange without too much problem. This is all supposed to have taken place within two weeks of her initial doctors appointment that began the journey of her cancer.

Tonight I'm at mine again alone this time as Bentley wanted to stay with her. I had a few pipes earlier and a few goes on a DMT vapo. What a genius piece of technology. I've heard rumour there is an al lad vape. Imagine that, the greatest of all hallucinogens in a vape. Last week I enjoyed a great trip on what I was told was super fresh acid. It was powerful but controllable as I had to collect Claire after an aborted mission to stay at her parents. Once home again I was able to relax my mind and the might of LSD descended upon me.

There are a lot of unknowns ahead. All I know is we must enjoy every day as we don't know how many we have.

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Update

I've not written anything for my blog for a few years now. Retreating into photography of the moths that appear in the stairwell of the flats where I live. My brother is an expert on moths and butterflies and works for Butterfly Conservation and helps me with identification when I can't find them in my books on the subject. I toyed with getting into trapping to see how many more I could find. But the original project was a tight brief. To understand properly the natural history of the stairwell of the flats. We face directly onto fields and woodland where an abundance of natural wildflower meadows allow for a great diversity and being social housing the lighting stays on most of the time. I'm blessed with a natural moth trap.

But lately changes in my life have brought a lot to try to negotiate. I'm not making furniture very much anymore. Instead caring for my partner.

Three years ago she was diagnosed with emphysema and it's very serious. She was told that she was chosen for a new treatment of lung reduction. A serious operation where the worst affected areas are snipped and sealed off. She had all the preliminary tests and was being lined up to have this operation which could have offered a real increase in her life expectancy.

Sadly in the last year or so she has lost three stone without any diet or exercise change. She has other symptoms such as a lump on her throat. Also a recent stool test revealed blood that can indicate bowel cancer. In fact all her symptoms suggest cancer. So the Royal Brompton hospital who are the lung specialists have put her lung treatment on hold until this cancer scare can be eliminated .

So until we know what is wrong with her she is so very scared. I'm terrified too. My mother died of cancer and it wasn't much fun at all.

So given her days are likely numbered I've chosen to put my furniture making to the side.

I love her very much. We are quite an insulator couple. She is fortunate to a number of old friends who don't judge her. I've always detested the idea that people are responsible for their illnesses. Yes she smoked as much of our generation did but never heavily. She is my life. I don't know what I'd do without her I'd like to go with her .

I will write more on this subject as things develop. It's going to be a strange journey.

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