The autumn days

I got a message today from probably my closest friend. The person I can tell anything to. Everyone else gets an edited version tailored to suit their understanding and presumptions about life; rules and lines of morality beyond which they won't step. We have lived similar but differing lives but our condition and health have parallels. He has been told that he has diabetes and must change his diet. If he doesn't he could be susceptible to strokes or heart attacks. He now takes a statin to try to reduce his cholesterol. I have been taking these for well over a year and a few months back mine was increased to a large pill. I'm also taking two different medications to reduce my blood pressure which was described as 'alarming'. This was what led me to leaving the high pressure job that required both mental acuity and physical strength. I'm not a young man anymore. I'm in my 60s. I take another drug for my enlarged prostate and a high dose of mirtazapine for anxiety and depression. These are the legal drugs prescribed to me. I'm also on a subutex reduction and it's a very low dose now. I have been on and off this drug for over twenty years. I'm hoping that this time I will be ok and not be as exposed, scared and psychotic as I have been when I have come off it before. My partner has emphysema and I have to be her carer. I also have a dog who depends on me. Nevertheless both me and my brother, of a different mother, walk a thin line. I'm not sure who will drop first. I love living near the countryside; I'm right on the border of a village and can step out straight into the fields and woods. My partner however has grown to hate being here and wants to move to Bristol. I have nothing against Bristol but I don't know anything about it. She is undoubtedly in her autumn days and perhaps I am too. I have returned to posting on my blog which I began in 2009 and intend to continue until I go. I am unlikely to have any warning so if you are a reader and suddenly find I'm posting no moths or thoughts to bother you just know my days are done. I'm not unhappy. My life has been up and down. I've had my successes and failures, my mental breakdowns and drug problems. The three of us have to temper our behaviour. To change our diets and gradually like autumn leaves will fall from the tree of life and find out if that is indeed the end as I guess it to be. But for anyone who believes know that I envy you in a way. Last week my partners father died. He used to go to church so must have been a believer. I never discussed it with him but I hope he is in good health in his afterlife.

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