Walking home with Dook we saw a sparrow hawk take a starling out. A beautiful site of tooth and claw, survival of the fittest nature. But it got me thinking a bit about how we see it as wrong if a big strong man robs a weak old man due to his natural advantage. From there I thought of gangs taking advantage of weaker folk to build financial empires.
We are all born different, some beautiful, some ugly, so,e strong, some disabled, some very smart others thickies. Clearly violence is one of the lines we draw that it is wrong to overstep. Most decent people would agree when a big boy enters a group of children and takes all their sweets because they are afraid to stop him. A bully. If an elderly lady is struggling to carry something one would feel it their duty to go help her as she is less able.
But once we get into the wider world this altruism evaporates. If you are really smart, surround yourself with smart staff, you will put businesses run be the less inteligent under.
Darwins revelation runs through the whole animal kingdom. If we are smart enough to see bullying is wrong then why aren't we helping the homeless. Why is it ok to triumph with your intelligence, or get places because you are pretty?
Sunday, 26 October 2014
Thursday, 23 October 2014
thursday night
Where the fire comes from i realy don't know. I was born to a middle class mother who had married a working class man. Because of this division there is no extended family to speak of. At twelve I cancer robbed us of our mother though I was nine when she last was able to cook or clean and most of these three years were spent in hospitals as they gradually cut her apart, piece by piece. Alcohol then stole my father. Trust no one. Never invest too much love in anything because it is always temporary and will inevitably let you down.
I am sad to have to leave this cottage. I had begun to love it and give it the care it so desperately needed. But it is just a vehicle for another man to line his pocket. Periods of mental illness have meant I am unreliable and consequently as I watched my generation buy houses and breed I was unable to join in. There is a massive divide between the property owner and those without. My mistake was to try too hard to work. Others of comparable instability were smart enough to play the state for social housing. They have a security I have never enjoyed.
When I moved down here I was reminded tonight of something. A girl had comitted suicide. She was close freinds with a circle of people I was just getting to know. Even then, faced with the evidence that depression is an illness often kills. Even in the aftermath of her death. She drove to a quiet lane, connected a Hoover pipe to her exhaust then fed the pipe through the car window, closed all other windows and went to sleep. Even in the aftermath her freinds were suggesting depression was somehow the fault of the victim. That happiness was something that needed work. Imagining that the sadnesses they had experienced were somehow comparable to suicidal depression. She was called Rachel. I only met her once or twice.
This attitude of blaming the victim continues in this circle. There is no such thing as free will. No one asks to be born predisposed to cancer, depression, or alcoholism. Not only must the depressive bare the burden of their condition, they must also bare the unspoken accusation that they brought it on themselves. As must the addict. For this kind of victim blame it takes a belief in the homunculus. The little man in your head. Such ignorance and stupidity feeds my fire.
I am sad to have to leave this cottage. I had begun to love it and give it the care it so desperately needed. But it is just a vehicle for another man to line his pocket. Periods of mental illness have meant I am unreliable and consequently as I watched my generation buy houses and breed I was unable to join in. There is a massive divide between the property owner and those without. My mistake was to try too hard to work. Others of comparable instability were smart enough to play the state for social housing. They have a security I have never enjoyed.
When I moved down here I was reminded tonight of something. A girl had comitted suicide. She was close freinds with a circle of people I was just getting to know. Even then, faced with the evidence that depression is an illness often kills. Even in the aftermath of her death. She drove to a quiet lane, connected a Hoover pipe to her exhaust then fed the pipe through the car window, closed all other windows and went to sleep. Even in the aftermath her freinds were suggesting depression was somehow the fault of the victim. That happiness was something that needed work. Imagining that the sadnesses they had experienced were somehow comparable to suicidal depression. She was called Rachel. I only met her once or twice.
This attitude of blaming the victim continues in this circle. There is no such thing as free will. No one asks to be born predisposed to cancer, depression, or alcoholism. Not only must the depressive bare the burden of their condition, they must also bare the unspoken accusation that they brought it on themselves. As must the addict. For this kind of victim blame it takes a belief in the homunculus. The little man in your head. Such ignorance and stupidity feeds my fire.
Happily Homeless Again
Once the decision was finally taken to move out of the cottage a whole heap of pressure left my shoulders. The landlord, although I had put two weeks work, built and fitted mahogany casements for the old rotting windows, decorated the entire house, spent some £500 pounds on materials, reneged on our agreement. Looking at the agreement revealed rent was due on 20th of each calendar month. I had been paying fortnightly meaning, despite the windows I am up to date with my rent. These last few months have been so tight. Down to very creative cookery I've decided, due to the landlords dishonour I will be handing in my notice tomorrow. It sometimes feels I am destined to be homeless. I really thought I'd cracked it this time. Always that little bit too greedy landlords. Always adamant they get the tent on time yet seldom enthusiastic at maintaining their property.
The sudden financial freedom means I can progress with the developement of my motor home. A holiday driving Spain in February calls.
The sudden financial freedom means I can progress with the developement of my motor home. A holiday driving Spain in February calls.
Sunday, 19 October 2014
Methoxphenidine
Regular Skreeworld readers will remember my series of posts titled 'Near Death Experience' where I described the build up to and reasoning for my suicide attempt using a selection of drugs including a gramme and a half of methoxphenidine. Pressures of debt and anger at myself for having relapsed into drug addiction caused me to throw this bomb at it. The results were horrific though clearly I failed to end my life. I have since cured myself of addiction and depression through the use of AL-LAD. Quickly to remind readers I couldn't walk or talk properly for four days, spent a week to ten days complete,y psychotic undergoing constant hallucinations that faded over a further month of being in an acid trip like state.
This left me deeply phobic of diphenidines and methoxphenidine. Since then I have experimented twice with MXP at the correct dosage which is 10mg if the drug is pure or 15 to 20mg if your product is of the generally available strength. Yesterday, being a dull rainy Saturday I took 20mg and enjoyed a trip that was just within the realms of handle ability.
It affects you physically and you can become clumsy at any higher dose. The effects are strange in nature but have that time travel quality that psylocibin often delivers. You become aware of a parallel existence that reveals the origins of old English witchcraft. A connection to nature and feelings of past lives or how people felt in times gone by. The memories of buildings can enter your consciousness. At one point I was in touch with a mill worker, (I live in an old mill workers cottage) and looking at my hands I could see the cal ousting specific to such graft.
Before the full effects had taken hold I managed a little shopping at asda where things fell in to place with fortuitous grace. Sometimes you are riding a lucky path and strangers will help out of the blue. I took Dook down willow vale so he could play with other dogs. It is important for dogs to be off the lead and allowed to interact with their own kind.
Later, as the trip reduced it's intensity I was able to cook and a couple of etizolam and two bottles of mcewans champion brought me back to earth.
This is not a substance I would recommend to any novice to consiousness research. It is very powerful at low doses and dangerous unless you know how to use it. I won't use it often I doubt. The trips from lycergics are far more natural. I also should state that though I was able to cure a chronic depression using AL-LAD, it is also a very powerful drug and should only be used by or under the supervision of an expert in psychedelics. It is one of the great discoveries of my life. An improvement on LSD which you have to make first to synthesise it from. It has been a real joy, though, to introduce other experts in psychedelics to this wonderful substance. Soon it is to be made illegal so best enjoy the lad while we can. It's properties, like acid, can be a little unpredictable and some have not been chosen, and we're disappointed by the drug. It is possible, however, to 'break through' as one does on DMT and enter the other, parallel reality.
This left me deeply phobic of diphenidines and methoxphenidine. Since then I have experimented twice with MXP at the correct dosage which is 10mg if the drug is pure or 15 to 20mg if your product is of the generally available strength. Yesterday, being a dull rainy Saturday I took 20mg and enjoyed a trip that was just within the realms of handle ability.
It affects you physically and you can become clumsy at any higher dose. The effects are strange in nature but have that time travel quality that psylocibin often delivers. You become aware of a parallel existence that reveals the origins of old English witchcraft. A connection to nature and feelings of past lives or how people felt in times gone by. The memories of buildings can enter your consciousness. At one point I was in touch with a mill worker, (I live in an old mill workers cottage) and looking at my hands I could see the cal ousting specific to such graft.
Before the full effects had taken hold I managed a little shopping at asda where things fell in to place with fortuitous grace. Sometimes you are riding a lucky path and strangers will help out of the blue. I took Dook down willow vale so he could play with other dogs. It is important for dogs to be off the lead and allowed to interact with their own kind.
Later, as the trip reduced it's intensity I was able to cook and a couple of etizolam and two bottles of mcewans champion brought me back to earth.
This is not a substance I would recommend to any novice to consiousness research. It is very powerful at low doses and dangerous unless you know how to use it. I won't use it often I doubt. The trips from lycergics are far more natural. I also should state that though I was able to cure a chronic depression using AL-LAD, it is also a very powerful drug and should only be used by or under the supervision of an expert in psychedelics. It is one of the great discoveries of my life. An improvement on LSD which you have to make first to synthesise it from. It has been a real joy, though, to introduce other experts in psychedelics to this wonderful substance. Soon it is to be made illegal so best enjoy the lad while we can. It's properties, like acid, can be a little unpredictable and some have not been chosen, and we're disappointed by the drug. It is possible, however, to 'break through' as one does on DMT and enter the other, parallel reality.
Friday, 17 October 2014
Depression Cured
Apologies for any miserable postings this year. I was suicidal and was prescribed ssri anti depressants. I stopped taking them and took AL-LAD and my depression is entirely cured. Stupidly I mentioned I had taken this drug to my workshop partner of fifteen odd years, magnus and he no longer wants to share a workshop. He is a great bloke but ultra straight and not very worldly. Now I have come to terms with it I realise it is for the best. For a few years now our directions have been different. His more commercial. Impressed by Mark, his CNC router and the industrial unit approach of MDF etc. I have always hated that kind of environment and yearned to work in a more creative, artistic environment. Now I am excited about the future. Looking forward to freedom and more creative work.
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Wednesday thoughts before work
Got back from London by midnight having stopped off to say hello to an old freind. Woke at 4am and my two hour dog walk was all in darkness. Pure darkness, or as near as we ever come to it does not make for a rewarding journey. Never again. various chores then back on to the desk I am working on. Making the cylindrical legs the old way, the Alan peters way. Stayed up to watch a film I've been waiting to see for ages, The Selfish Giant. Very good film. No Kes but he was hovering in the background. Sleep was patchy so thought I'd try the new AL-LAD. Left the house at 5.30 and took Dook a good eight or ten mile. Today my work is sanding up the cylindrical legs so no harm or danger there. Probably good for stamina on such a repetitive motion. Our job is like that. Days of mind bending puzzles. Visualising three dimensional imaginary structure that actually work and aren't just pretty whims, is there a more difficult task the human mind can do? I have not yet seen one. Then days of repetitive, machine like processes some seek to farm to apprentices or further machines. CNC.. Inevitably a products design is an expression of the technologies employed in its making. The human hand has an infinite spectrum of movements and marvellous as some computer drawings are, place them next to a da Vinci sketch and the paltry handful of tricks the digital can devise are easily revealed. The digital age has liberated the untalented. Anyone can produce an adequate drawing or photograph. Sadly we have succumbed, culturally, to the age of the adequate. Everything is 'pretty good'. The exceptional remains as rare as it ever was. As makers our sense of touch is far more developed than that of common man. We feel with a sensitivity that can only come from years of doing it. The tactile qualities of matter, of reality, are exclusively our knowledge. For it is a knowledge specific to our own personal private worlds. This kind of knowledge can not be passed on in language. Some may argue that our gradual drift away from the physical has always been the goal of the aspirational. To live never having to feel the cold, many people now never feel properly hungry, nor the pain of physical exertion. The goal of money becomes to feel nothing, because.no discomfort, no pain, no suffering.
I wonder who really wins. The super rich who suffer no discomfort. Or the homeless guy who feels the cold stone, smoothed by a million paces, against his cheek. I walk ten miles each morning with Dook whayever the erather and I do it for him. No rational human would endure that discomfort everyday were it not for the love of something outside of yourself. The junky, on his pursuit of having no feeling could find it so much more easily in just finding someone, something moe needy than yourself, put yourself second and for that time your pain is gone.
I wonder who really wins. The super rich who suffer no discomfort. Or the homeless guy who feels the cold stone, smoothed by a million paces, against his cheek. I walk ten miles each morning with Dook whayever the erather and I do it for him. No rational human would endure that discomfort everyday were it not for the love of something outside of yourself. The junky, on his pursuit of having no feeling could find it so much more easily in just finding someone, something moe needy than yourself, put yourself second and for that time your pain is gone.
Monday, 13 October 2014
London
i hate going to London. Crawling through the traffic. Struggling to park. But yesterday went smoothly. Arrived, unloaded my kit, the woodwork went perfectly smoothly to plan. The job looked great. I had a quick nap in the van once I'd reloaded my kit back in then chatted to my client. It looks like I have work indefinitely, if I want, and at least for the next two years. I'm a bit behind but I will catch up. Now the only thing I have to do is find a new workshop, kitted out, to rent space in. Even the drive back in the dark and rain went swiftly and Nicky had the cash she borrowed there for me. What a day. The AL- LAD arrived too.
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