thursday night

Where the fire comes from i realy don't know. I was born to a middle class mother who had married a working class man. Because of this division there is no extended family to speak of. At twelve I cancer robbed us of our mother though I was nine when she last was able to cook or clean and most of these three years were spent in hospitals as they gradually cut her apart, piece by piece. Alcohol then stole my father. Trust no one. Never invest too much love in anything because it is always temporary and will inevitably let you down.
I am sad to have to leave this cottage. I had begun to love it and give it the care it so desperately needed. But it is just a vehicle for another man to line his pocket. Periods of mental illness have meant I am unreliable and consequently as I watched my generation buy houses and breed I was unable to join in. There is a massive divide between the property owner and those without. My mistake was to try too hard to work. Others of comparable instability were smart enough to play the state for social housing. They have a security I have never enjoyed.
When I moved down here I was reminded tonight of something. A girl had comitted suicide. She was close freinds with a circle of people I was just getting to know. Even then, faced with the evidence that depression is an illness often kills. Even in the aftermath of her death. She drove to a quiet lane, connected a Hoover pipe to her exhaust then fed the pipe through the car window, closed all other windows and went to sleep. Even in the aftermath her freinds were suggesting depression was somehow the fault of the victim. That happiness was something that needed work. Imagining that the sadnesses they had experienced were somehow comparable to suicidal depression. She was called Rachel. I only met her once or twice.
This attitude of blaming the victim continues in this circle. There is no such thing as free will. No one asks to be born predisposed to cancer, depression, or alcoholism. Not only must the depressive bare the burden of their condition, they must also bare the unspoken accusation that they brought it on themselves. As must the addict. For this kind of victim blame it takes a belief in the homunculus. The little man in your head. Such ignorance and stupidity feeds my fire.