How to get ahead in life

How to get ahead in life

While walking down The job centre with the wife
I says, 'how do folk get on in life?'
She says, 'knobhead, you find an opportune opening'
Just round the corner by the snooker hall, the brickies ont tea break had left a hole in the wall
I slipped in, to the opening, tipped all the tills in to a bin, then slipped out of the openng. A small ish wise cunts sin.
Walking down't Headrow with me old girl
I asks 'how did Dad get on int world'
She says, 'Son, you sure are a brain dead pillock, just like all folk wi nouse he kept his eyes open for his window of opportunity.'
So just like he, I scanned the streets for a clue,
Fortunately they'd burnt the toast at number 22,
Wide open fucker and I jumped right through.
I got a I phone 5, a PS 4, a wide screen Sony which barely fit through't door.
And sold't lot. To get ahead in life.
Grandma Wilkins come round for tea, I asks 'how did grandad Wilkins get your place up Shadwell, that coundntve bin free, '
She says, 'Son, you're sure a divvy cunt. Takes a bit of luck, you know, a leg up in life.'
I says, 'smart', and fucked off up Adel. With our Adele.
Them church windows are fixed high up and just as gran said I needed't leg up
To get through, thanks to Adele,
Gold candlesticks and Angels. All kinds of resale weigh in tat and collection box to boot.
Then Monday came the postman stood my giro in his hand. An honest man with car and house, I asked from whence he got his nouse. 'By buggery youre thick you twat but I'll tell you this for nowt, life's like snakes and ladders and if you're savvy you can tell one from t'other.'
So off up Alwoodley lane I walked, where all the posh cunts live. Even prudent postmen if blessed up top, no div.
and just as that wise postie said a ladder stood by 't'house. A window cleaner at the top, soon stranded came to shout, 'Come back with my ladder you thieving chavy cunt!' But I darent look back nor face his squeals, an entrepaneur becomes deaf to such appeals.
I picked my house, checked all were out and planted up me ladder, then up its treads I stepped reat fast so no cunt could chance upon me.
An elbow throught bedroom window, scrambled in quiet and swift though. Straight to the Mrs dressing table loaded with Tom foolery, what cockney theives call jewellery, and crammed me pockets with gold and chains, diamonds on rings. All sorts of sparkling birthday gifts to sell down town come't morrow.
So looking back, now a respected man, a dude of wealth and taste. Live right out near Harewood, so I do. Some take me for a country gent, some take me for a gentry cunt, but my advice to you. Respect your elders good advice and follow to the letter. An honest life it can be made but a dishonest one pays better.


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