https://youtu.be/K09S0887pU4?si=5QUpGRR7lfW7Fw5E My nephews band’s first single. The sound of summer 2026 Sent from my iPhone
Monday, 11 May 2026
Tuesday, 5 May 2026
mental health
mental health
Sometimes I go through periods of time where my anxiety gets very intense and I experience a deep terror of social interaction of any kind. Even with my closest friends. In fact it is particularly with my closest friends that I find the hardest. I’m not sure why this is. Maybe it’s the person I pretend to be becomes a lie. I don’t want people to think that I’m a failure. The person I present as myself proves to be a fake. A construct created and molded to satisfy what I believe the freind would hold in the highest regard. I can remember my father telling lies to big himself up when the man who he was would have more than sufficed. And I have become the same. What I had always been determined not to be. To learn from his mistakes. Yet I have fallen in to being the same duplicitous deceiver. Whether it be financial security that I don’t really have. Whether it be success in my chosen field. Fear that my home is not as impressive as I imagine the freinds expectation might be. Why would anyone lie about who they are? Why does the fear of disappointing people, people that I love, keep me from seeing them.
I tried my best to be good at what I do and maybe I became a competent craftsman. Deep down I know that I have made far more decent furniture than just about any of my peers yet it still feels like I failed. I never had the mental strength to be successful. The more I learn about narcissists and sociopaths the more I see the pomposity of the game I chose as a career. The last stint of work was a five year blast that left me broken. My life is punctuated with periods of intense energy and work that careen out of control and crash into a mental breakdown. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve had now. Maybe five. Each time worse than the last. The first serious one came in the years after university. I’d mastered that system and qualified with a first. What a fool I’d been. Competing in a narrow system for three years. Each project we’d see who could score the highest marks. I’d been one of the top in my year. I recall the pompous swagger as I’d strut around, glowing in seeing my name top or close after a project. What a stupid idea to put the marks up like the football league at the end of the workshop. And I remember the excitement that Ian Douglas had when he rang me to let me know that I had a first. I was alone in a cottage in a part of the country where I knew virtually no one. How hollow I felt. Realising how fully I had fallen for a myth. No group any more where this would have any meaning. And I have never been asked what I got by anyone. Admittedly I never got seriously into academia where it might have been of some consequence.
I’d seen one part of the myth at my first college. The generation of designer makers who I had admired and aspired to be like were not able to support themselves without a rich family, a rich spouse or a teaching position at one of the universities that perpetuated the myth. So knowing this I tried to become a lecturer. I had various places where I worked; Shrewsbury College, university of Wolverhampton, Buckinghamshire college, Swindon, guest spots at Parnham, Jacob Kramer and others. But I was not good at communicating with people on the whole. I couldn’t sell them a product I did not believe in. And the pressure I felt led to my first serious breakdown. My girlfriend at the time, in who I had put total belief, abandoning my home community to join her. Or so I believed. She bought a derelict cottage that I renovated. She told me that she would be moving there once she had finished the glass course she did after completing her fine art degree. But she never came. I was alone, working on the cottage, making ways to live in an inward looking county that had little interest in incomers. The support of a network of friends and a partner was not there. So I turned to drink. Having no training as a teacher I was asked to be a lecturer at Wolverhampton, I applied for a job at the University of central England and finally the last day was taken up by the only college that I felt even remotely comfortable at Shrewsbury. Five and a half days a week. I was paid more then than I have ever got since. Of course my girlfriend decided to go work in a glass studio instead of coming to live in the cottage she had bought. What ever gave me the idea that she would buy a cottage, have me restore it and come live there.
So I drank until I broke. I ran away down to Somerset where she lived and tried to recover. In the end I was just in the way to her now. I went to work for Fred. He saved me then. Along with Gareth. But I can’t bring myself to see them now.
I managed to compromise on what I would do. A connection I got through my girlfriend’s father became my patron. Other makers I knew thought I had it lucky. Perhaps I did. I found I could make decent quality furniture and make a living at it. But I was still deluded. What I now understand is narcissistic and sociopathic behaviour seduced me. I believed that I had a magic touch. That I was somehow special. There’s a spectrum and perhaps Tracy Emin is at the apex. A belief that you are special. That the emotion you invest into the creation of objects invests them with magic. That an unmade bed is a great work of art. That so important are her feelings, above and beyond the feelings of common people, that any presentation of matter is of great value. Fine furniture may be a few degrees of self delusion below the work of conceptual artists but essentially it is the same thing. To succeed in that world. The world of exhibitions of pure narcissistic sociopathy that the creators of this stuff are exceptional beings. To succeed the artist must have a self belief of complete conviction. They have to be able to talk to collectors fully believing that the objects that they sell are invested with magic.
But I knew deep down, even though I dare not admit it to myself, that I am not special. Further than that, I know too that my peers in that world are also delusional narcissists.
And so again I crumbled. My girlfriend was long gone. I’d followed her, abandoning my home, family and friends till the world I had left had disappeared. Evaporated as all circles of people do after a time. And I found myself stranded. Not really accepted in the world I now found myself in and lost from my home.
From alcohol I drifted off into harder drugs. My business lasted a couple of decades.
In a broken state I gave up on everything. Left only with my trade skills I understood what it means to be working class. Having only your labour to give until you fade away.
A couple of years of mental illness where I was unable to work followed. The only friends I had were the other broken people whose common denominator is drugs and drink.
There’s more. Other bits of work like the museum fitting and more complex drug addictions.
I became a failed artist. Still delusional and narcissistic but with no evidence to support my belief in the magic I had thought was in my touch.
There is another chapter. The humility I faced and became the maker for a much younger boss. I can say how I took his business, through my skills to a new level. How I helped him design his workshop and together we fine tuned his business to create the objects for another narcissistic sociopath who had a greater self belief than either of us. I worked too hard. Continued with some of my own work. Pushed myself until again I broke. This time doctors and mental health professionals told me that I had to stop if I wanted to live much longer.
And in this broken state I have too much pride to admit that it was all for nothing. That I’m isolated and ashamed to talk to my closest friends. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t have the strength of character to show you just how broken I’ve become.
And I think I’m just about done now. I’m sorry for letting you all down.
Sent from my iPhone
Russell Brand & Other Famous Narcissists: An Expert Analysis by Psychopa...
https://youtu.be/6OGewZeI86s?si=K7gR0hSiZMbaYOYb Best breakdown of Brand following his recent two interviews promoting his new book with Piers Morgan and another. I found it similar to the Emily Maitliss Prince Andrew interview in that both believed that they had been successful in clearing things up when in fact to any impartial observer they had clearly dug a deeper hole. Further I found it eye opening into myself and other ‘artists’ who I have always thought they were engaged in a kind of, what we would have called ‘showing off’, a term I seldom hear these days but this is a far more articulate explanation than I have ever managed. Sent from my iPhone
Stairwell beetles
A couple of may bugs just outside the back door. Nice big beetles. Always amazes me how they can find each other.
Sent from my iPhone
Stairwell moths
Pug. Common Pug maybe but it’s a guess. Usually a less homogeneous marking but I could well be wrong.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, 4 May 2026
Thursday, 30 April 2026
Skree part 22. Wellsway Colliery accident 1838
https://youtu.be/CWOnpS6NbtU?si=YSgjwp8WFR2vBK64 Sent from my iPhone
Friday, 24 April 2026
Lipton returns
Lipton returns
I don’t know how many people read the two books that I posted on my blog a few years ago. I kept the ending of the second one to myself with a view to having it published. In a sense you have to read the first one to understand the second though it stands up on its own. It requires serious rewriting and editing and is very much a first draft but I have never read anything like it. My character is Skree but also Peter. Lipton is the costar and is based on a freind. His name came when the predictive texting wanted to put Lipton instead of his real nickname despite me spelling it correctly. I also didn’t want him to know that I’d used his character in a story. Maybe I’ll tell him one day. A lot of the scenes were real and actually happened but we aren’t really shamen or archangels. We did sneak past security and climb the last gas silo frame in Bath. We did drive up to Leeds and climb moortown water tower. We did psychedelics on cley hill and watched a partial eclipse. We did a lot of things that are in the first book but there’s a layer of fantasy on top. We never met up with Jesse Presley in the underground tunnels we explored and there was no subterranean rock and roll empire of which he was king.
Anyway last week the character I based Lipton on who I hadn’t seen for years turned up and he stayed and we talked and drank. His son is in the village next to ours, less than two miles away. Lipton wants to be in his life and has pulled himself out of addiction and is doing all the right things to be a part of his life and watch him grow. This means he’ll be here a lot. It was me who got the daft ideas like breaking into sealed tunnel networks and climbing industrial buildings. But without him I don’t have the bravery. We egg each other on and he’s always up for an adventure, say a drive deep into wales to explore slate mine tunnels. He doesn’t get why I am drawn to doing these things but he always has the bottle. There’s so much work we need to do now he’s back. We did used to buy action man figures for our missions. Two were hung from the water tower and were still there last time I passed it. We also buried an action man each, two feet beneath the soil at the stone circle Michael Evis had built. It was our signature. On all serious adventures we would choose an action man each and hang them, bury them, burn them; use them up to mark our work in appropriate ways. The figures represent us and we sacrifice them to seal the hoodoo of our exploits. The last two were put to sea at a beach near us and we watched the small figures in the boat we had made for them slowly grow smaller until our eyes saw two dots before they disappeared completely. There are some great water towers ear here and we will be getting our action men ready for our mission. Because now he is back in my life our competitive nature will no doubt have us up to our ritual exploration again and testing each other as to how committed to ridiculous endeavours the other is. It’s something that we can’t not do. Lipton is now in his mid fifties and I am sixty so we won’t be able to do what we used to. We are older men now but both still have a yearning for ridiculous missions. Readers may have read the first chapters of book three that picks up in the aftermath of our destruction of Rupert Bunsens Noah project and the Witchfynder general is hunting us down. We are separated having been flung off in different directions. Both of us know that not everyone has survived. Lipton has so far left the mental hospital following his sectioning, Jesus has reanimated having been smashed in to many pieces. Of course he can’t be killed and has been reborn many times since his heyday covered in the New Testament gospels and is back living on traveller site in Somerset. I am not yet written about but spoiler alert I survived the carnage of the conger eel demon hybrids. Only one of the Clun Druids survived and there’s no sign of the coven of witches who summoned up the sea goddess who is the group mind of the conger demon hybrid shoal. My friend Jason Feddy has just had his book published and you can put in a preorder on Amazon now. So I think it’s time that I sorted out my book and get it out there. It’s a lot of work but there is nothing like it and I believe it would be a popular cult book. There’s so much to do. I’m already following the characters in the aftermath but I need to go through all of the first two books and tidy them up. Welcome back into our lives Lipton.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, 23 April 2026
The Fourth Act - Filthy Rich (Official Music Video)
https://youtu.be/K09S0887pU4?si=un-wnUxHStBdAr4a my nephews band Sent from my iPhone
Friday, 17 April 2026
Skree part 21. At home waiting for Lipton
https://youtube.com/shorts/rDuyIU1aLho?si=h27jbrZTgJkKn2yt Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, 16 April 2026
Monday, 13 April 2026
Restoring Calum’s ice cream rickshaw with Tom and Paul
https://youtube.com/shorts/S7vEq9vN4mI?si=1QyxQWKDp-mu8pwR Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, 2 April 2026
Calum and Toms ice cream rickshaw
But like all vehicles that are on the highway, wear and tear through every day use takes its toll. Alongside the complex gearing and chassis, its motor, indicators and other lights, the suspension system pedals and brakes there is the paintwork and Perspex, a freezer box and various shelving that all can deteriorate through every day use. And being honest about it all, Calum can find himself frustrated and perhaps not being as careful as some might be. Consequently, as Spring slowly edges towards summer their incredible creation requires some TLC. A few maintenance issues and a fresh motor are required. And being a unique vehicle there really is only one place able to work on the vehicle. Were it so simple, Tom might have seen his happy customer cycle away and never see his client again. And being unique and essentially a prototype based on the successful conventional rickshaw design that is the backbone of Toms business, there has been a fair bit of extra work Tom has had to carry out. Tom must have given thousands of hours free to Calum who can be hard at times to communicate with. Lovable though he is, Calum can sometimes not be as aware of the suffering of others. That's not to say he takes Tom for granted at all, but at times it has been difficult for Tom to be able to afford to carry out repairs.
Calum’s ice cream bike
Whilst at university in High Wycombe my partner at the time was at art college in Cheltenham and we would alternate our weekends. Consequently I got to know my girlfriend's freinds and their partners. This is how I got to know Tom Nesbitt. He is a designer most well known for the rickshaws that can be seen everywhere from Soho to Scotland though the highest density of them is in Bath and Frome where Tom has made them for something like two decades now.
A chance meeting shortly after I had moved to Frome was with an old friend from my mid teens. I had lived with Ron Tree when I was about 16 having found myself homeless. I had no family to turn to but being part of the counter culture I was fortunate to be able to find a roof for me and my girlfriend of the time. After some months there we moved down to live in a communal house in Cornwall and I lost touch with Ron. Move forward nearly twenty years and I am walking through the town centre when I bumped into Ron. I recognised the tattoos on his hands. In a strange twist of fate he had become the frontman and singer for Hawkwind. Hawkwind were our band in our teens and I was blown away by how he had found himself fronting what had been probably our favourite band.
Soon I got to know him again and I got to know his partner and his son, Calum. Calum is autistic though I'm not knowledgeable enough about his condition other than to say he is a remarkable person. Back then he must have been between five and ten and somehow we connected. He'd come walk my dog with me and we have remained close as he has grown into a remarkable young man. His enthusiasm is infectious though it can run away with him and he can lose a clear sense of what other people are feeling.
Having grown through various obsessional periods where he would become engrossed in the police. He would produce drawings, repeated in great detail of police. He would dress as a policeman and collect police related clothing and items. At some point he became obsessed with becoming an ice cream man. He created a bicycle with chimes and began operating as an ice cream vendor. The thought of him driving an ice cream van was a step too far but something in my head connected and I knew he would be fascinated by Toms rickshaws. So I arranged a time for him to go down to Toms workshop which at the time was in Frome. It was only meant as a way of showing him what might be possible were he to focus and work towards it. Ron came down and he had a weary look which I didn't understand but do now. This lit a spark and I think I gave Tom a heap of work. As I said his obsession can be overwhelming but he can achieve incredible things and sees no boundaries where I might see problems. I also feel some guilt towards Tom in that he has given Calum an unbelievable amount of time and energy.
Having made the connection I lost touch with them both for a couple of years as life took me down some strange avenues. The cost of one of Toms rickshaws is in the low to mid thousands. They are a sophisticated and well designed vehicle that Tom has developed over many years. He doesn't do one offs. The cost in time and research and development is too great. Yet one day I saw Calum riding an electric, bespoke ice cream rickshaw. Tom made his dream come true and has given Calum a chance at a career no one could have predicted.
Wednesday, 25 March 2026
Friday, 20 March 2026
Thursday, 19 March 2026
Friday, 13 March 2026
Monday, 9 March 2026
Monday, 2 March 2026
Sunday, 1 March 2026
Remember Richard
Richard revisited
https://youtu.be/04OdxHcgrpo
Sent from my iPhone here is the block of wood mentioned in the YouTube series Skree part 16. Though no plaques or commemorative gravestones are permitted the green burial site of Lawnswood Cemetery I made this block as a marker of where Richard and his dad are buried. Following Richard's death I went through a psychotic phase of grief was drawn to make something for my friend who died way too young. If you can hear me I miss you every day. You were my closest friend and you always will be. Love to you my brother.
https://youtu.be/04OdxHcgrpo
Sent from my iPhone here is the block of wood mentioned in the YouTube series Skree part 16. Though no plaques or commemorative gravestones are permitted the green burial site of Lawnswood Cemetery I made this block as a marker of where Richard and his dad are buried. Following Richard's death I went through a psychotic phase of grief was drawn to make something for my friend who died way too young. If you can hear me I miss you every day. You were my closest friend and you always will be. Love to you my brother.
Saturday, 28 February 2026
Friday, 27 February 2026
Thursday, 12 February 2026
Wall cabinet
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