Walking home with Dook we saw a sparrow hawk take a starling out. A beautiful site of tooth and claw, survival of the fittest nature. But it got me thinking a bit about how we see it as wrong if a big strong man robs a weak old man due to his natural advantage. From there I thought of gangs taking advantage of weaker folk to build financial empires.
We are all born different, some beautiful, some ugly, so,e strong, some disabled, some very smart others thickies. Clearly violence is one of the lines we draw that it is wrong to overstep. Most decent people would agree when a big boy enters a group of children and takes all their sweets because they are afraid to stop him. A bully. If an elderly lady is struggling to carry something one would feel it their duty to go help her as she is less able.
But once we get into the wider world this altruism evaporates. If you are really smart, surround yourself with smart staff, you will put businesses run be the less inteligent under.
Darwins revelation runs through the whole animal kingdom. If we are smart enough to see bullying is wrong then why aren't we helping the homeless. Why is it ok to triumph with your intelligence, or get places because you are pretty?
Sunday 26 October 2014
Thursday 23 October 2014
thursday night
Where the fire comes from i realy don't know. I was born to a middle class mother who had married a working class man. Because of this division there is no extended family to speak of. At twelve I cancer robbed us of our mother though I was nine when she last was able to cook or clean and most of these three years were spent in hospitals as they gradually cut her apart, piece by piece. Alcohol then stole my father. Trust no one. Never invest too much love in anything because it is always temporary and will inevitably let you down.
I am sad to have to leave this cottage. I had begun to love it and give it the care it so desperately needed. But it is just a vehicle for another man to line his pocket. Periods of mental illness have meant I am unreliable and consequently as I watched my generation buy houses and breed I was unable to join in. There is a massive divide between the property owner and those without. My mistake was to try too hard to work. Others of comparable instability were smart enough to play the state for social housing. They have a security I have never enjoyed.
When I moved down here I was reminded tonight of something. A girl had comitted suicide. She was close freinds with a circle of people I was just getting to know. Even then, faced with the evidence that depression is an illness often kills. Even in the aftermath of her death. She drove to a quiet lane, connected a Hoover pipe to her exhaust then fed the pipe through the car window, closed all other windows and went to sleep. Even in the aftermath her freinds were suggesting depression was somehow the fault of the victim. That happiness was something that needed work. Imagining that the sadnesses they had experienced were somehow comparable to suicidal depression. She was called Rachel. I only met her once or twice.
This attitude of blaming the victim continues in this circle. There is no such thing as free will. No one asks to be born predisposed to cancer, depression, or alcoholism. Not only must the depressive bare the burden of their condition, they must also bare the unspoken accusation that they brought it on themselves. As must the addict. For this kind of victim blame it takes a belief in the homunculus. The little man in your head. Such ignorance and stupidity feeds my fire.
I am sad to have to leave this cottage. I had begun to love it and give it the care it so desperately needed. But it is just a vehicle for another man to line his pocket. Periods of mental illness have meant I am unreliable and consequently as I watched my generation buy houses and breed I was unable to join in. There is a massive divide between the property owner and those without. My mistake was to try too hard to work. Others of comparable instability were smart enough to play the state for social housing. They have a security I have never enjoyed.
When I moved down here I was reminded tonight of something. A girl had comitted suicide. She was close freinds with a circle of people I was just getting to know. Even then, faced with the evidence that depression is an illness often kills. Even in the aftermath of her death. She drove to a quiet lane, connected a Hoover pipe to her exhaust then fed the pipe through the car window, closed all other windows and went to sleep. Even in the aftermath her freinds were suggesting depression was somehow the fault of the victim. That happiness was something that needed work. Imagining that the sadnesses they had experienced were somehow comparable to suicidal depression. She was called Rachel. I only met her once or twice.
This attitude of blaming the victim continues in this circle. There is no such thing as free will. No one asks to be born predisposed to cancer, depression, or alcoholism. Not only must the depressive bare the burden of their condition, they must also bare the unspoken accusation that they brought it on themselves. As must the addict. For this kind of victim blame it takes a belief in the homunculus. The little man in your head. Such ignorance and stupidity feeds my fire.
Happily Homeless Again
Once the decision was finally taken to move out of the cottage a whole heap of pressure left my shoulders. The landlord, although I had put two weeks work, built and fitted mahogany casements for the old rotting windows, decorated the entire house, spent some £500 pounds on materials, reneged on our agreement. Looking at the agreement revealed rent was due on 20th of each calendar month. I had been paying fortnightly meaning, despite the windows I am up to date with my rent. These last few months have been so tight. Down to very creative cookery I've decided, due to the landlords dishonour I will be handing in my notice tomorrow. It sometimes feels I am destined to be homeless. I really thought I'd cracked it this time. Always that little bit too greedy landlords. Always adamant they get the tent on time yet seldom enthusiastic at maintaining their property.
The sudden financial freedom means I can progress with the developement of my motor home. A holiday driving Spain in February calls.
The sudden financial freedom means I can progress with the developement of my motor home. A holiday driving Spain in February calls.
Sunday 19 October 2014
Methoxphenidine
Regular Skreeworld readers will remember my series of posts titled 'Near Death Experience' where I described the build up to and reasoning for my suicide attempt using a selection of drugs including a gramme and a half of methoxphenidine. Pressures of debt and anger at myself for having relapsed into drug addiction caused me to throw this bomb at it. The results were horrific though clearly I failed to end my life. I have since cured myself of addiction and depression through the use of AL-LAD. Quickly to remind readers I couldn't walk or talk properly for four days, spent a week to ten days complete,y psychotic undergoing constant hallucinations that faded over a further month of being in an acid trip like state.
This left me deeply phobic of diphenidines and methoxphenidine. Since then I have experimented twice with MXP at the correct dosage which is 10mg if the drug is pure or 15 to 20mg if your product is of the generally available strength. Yesterday, being a dull rainy Saturday I took 20mg and enjoyed a trip that was just within the realms of handle ability.
It affects you physically and you can become clumsy at any higher dose. The effects are strange in nature but have that time travel quality that psylocibin often delivers. You become aware of a parallel existence that reveals the origins of old English witchcraft. A connection to nature and feelings of past lives or how people felt in times gone by. The memories of buildings can enter your consciousness. At one point I was in touch with a mill worker, (I live in an old mill workers cottage) and looking at my hands I could see the cal ousting specific to such graft.
Before the full effects had taken hold I managed a little shopping at asda where things fell in to place with fortuitous grace. Sometimes you are riding a lucky path and strangers will help out of the blue. I took Dook down willow vale so he could play with other dogs. It is important for dogs to be off the lead and allowed to interact with their own kind.
Later, as the trip reduced it's intensity I was able to cook and a couple of etizolam and two bottles of mcewans champion brought me back to earth.
This is not a substance I would recommend to any novice to consiousness research. It is very powerful at low doses and dangerous unless you know how to use it. I won't use it often I doubt. The trips from lycergics are far more natural. I also should state that though I was able to cure a chronic depression using AL-LAD, it is also a very powerful drug and should only be used by or under the supervision of an expert in psychedelics. It is one of the great discoveries of my life. An improvement on LSD which you have to make first to synthesise it from. It has been a real joy, though, to introduce other experts in psychedelics to this wonderful substance. Soon it is to be made illegal so best enjoy the lad while we can. It's properties, like acid, can be a little unpredictable and some have not been chosen, and we're disappointed by the drug. It is possible, however, to 'break through' as one does on DMT and enter the other, parallel reality.
This left me deeply phobic of diphenidines and methoxphenidine. Since then I have experimented twice with MXP at the correct dosage which is 10mg if the drug is pure or 15 to 20mg if your product is of the generally available strength. Yesterday, being a dull rainy Saturday I took 20mg and enjoyed a trip that was just within the realms of handle ability.
It affects you physically and you can become clumsy at any higher dose. The effects are strange in nature but have that time travel quality that psylocibin often delivers. You become aware of a parallel existence that reveals the origins of old English witchcraft. A connection to nature and feelings of past lives or how people felt in times gone by. The memories of buildings can enter your consciousness. At one point I was in touch with a mill worker, (I live in an old mill workers cottage) and looking at my hands I could see the cal ousting specific to such graft.
Before the full effects had taken hold I managed a little shopping at asda where things fell in to place with fortuitous grace. Sometimes you are riding a lucky path and strangers will help out of the blue. I took Dook down willow vale so he could play with other dogs. It is important for dogs to be off the lead and allowed to interact with their own kind.
Later, as the trip reduced it's intensity I was able to cook and a couple of etizolam and two bottles of mcewans champion brought me back to earth.
This is not a substance I would recommend to any novice to consiousness research. It is very powerful at low doses and dangerous unless you know how to use it. I won't use it often I doubt. The trips from lycergics are far more natural. I also should state that though I was able to cure a chronic depression using AL-LAD, it is also a very powerful drug and should only be used by or under the supervision of an expert in psychedelics. It is one of the great discoveries of my life. An improvement on LSD which you have to make first to synthesise it from. It has been a real joy, though, to introduce other experts in psychedelics to this wonderful substance. Soon it is to be made illegal so best enjoy the lad while we can. It's properties, like acid, can be a little unpredictable and some have not been chosen, and we're disappointed by the drug. It is possible, however, to 'break through' as one does on DMT and enter the other, parallel reality.
Friday 17 October 2014
Depression Cured
Apologies for any miserable postings this year. I was suicidal and was prescribed ssri anti depressants. I stopped taking them and took AL-LAD and my depression is entirely cured. Stupidly I mentioned I had taken this drug to my workshop partner of fifteen odd years, magnus and he no longer wants to share a workshop. He is a great bloke but ultra straight and not very worldly. Now I have come to terms with it I realise it is for the best. For a few years now our directions have been different. His more commercial. Impressed by Mark, his CNC router and the industrial unit approach of MDF etc. I have always hated that kind of environment and yearned to work in a more creative, artistic environment. Now I am excited about the future. Looking forward to freedom and more creative work.
Wednesday 15 October 2014
Wednesday thoughts before work
Got back from London by midnight having stopped off to say hello to an old freind. Woke at 4am and my two hour dog walk was all in darkness. Pure darkness, or as near as we ever come to it does not make for a rewarding journey. Never again. various chores then back on to the desk I am working on. Making the cylindrical legs the old way, the Alan peters way. Stayed up to watch a film I've been waiting to see for ages, The Selfish Giant. Very good film. No Kes but he was hovering in the background. Sleep was patchy so thought I'd try the new AL-LAD. Left the house at 5.30 and took Dook a good eight or ten mile. Today my work is sanding up the cylindrical legs so no harm or danger there. Probably good for stamina on such a repetitive motion. Our job is like that. Days of mind bending puzzles. Visualising three dimensional imaginary structure that actually work and aren't just pretty whims, is there a more difficult task the human mind can do? I have not yet seen one. Then days of repetitive, machine like processes some seek to farm to apprentices or further machines. CNC.. Inevitably a products design is an expression of the technologies employed in its making. The human hand has an infinite spectrum of movements and marvellous as some computer drawings are, place them next to a da Vinci sketch and the paltry handful of tricks the digital can devise are easily revealed. The digital age has liberated the untalented. Anyone can produce an adequate drawing or photograph. Sadly we have succumbed, culturally, to the age of the adequate. Everything is 'pretty good'. The exceptional remains as rare as it ever was. As makers our sense of touch is far more developed than that of common man. We feel with a sensitivity that can only come from years of doing it. The tactile qualities of matter, of reality, are exclusively our knowledge. For it is a knowledge specific to our own personal private worlds. This kind of knowledge can not be passed on in language. Some may argue that our gradual drift away from the physical has always been the goal of the aspirational. To live never having to feel the cold, many people now never feel properly hungry, nor the pain of physical exertion. The goal of money becomes to feel nothing, because.no discomfort, no pain, no suffering.
I wonder who really wins. The super rich who suffer no discomfort. Or the homeless guy who feels the cold stone, smoothed by a million paces, against his cheek. I walk ten miles each morning with Dook whayever the erather and I do it for him. No rational human would endure that discomfort everyday were it not for the love of something outside of yourself. The junky, on his pursuit of having no feeling could find it so much more easily in just finding someone, something moe needy than yourself, put yourself second and for that time your pain is gone.
I wonder who really wins. The super rich who suffer no discomfort. Or the homeless guy who feels the cold stone, smoothed by a million paces, against his cheek. I walk ten miles each morning with Dook whayever the erather and I do it for him. No rational human would endure that discomfort everyday were it not for the love of something outside of yourself. The junky, on his pursuit of having no feeling could find it so much more easily in just finding someone, something moe needy than yourself, put yourself second and for that time your pain is gone.
Monday 13 October 2014
London
i hate going to London. Crawling through the traffic. Struggling to park. But yesterday went smoothly. Arrived, unloaded my kit, the woodwork went perfectly smoothly to plan. The job looked great. I had a quick nap in the van once I'd reloaded my kit back in then chatted to my client. It looks like I have work indefinitely, if I want, and at least for the next two years. I'm a bit behind but I will catch up. Now the only thing I have to do is find a new workshop, kitted out, to rent space in. Even the drive back in the dark and rain went swiftly and Nicky had the cash she borrowed there for me. What a day. The AL- LAD arrived too.
Thursday 9 October 2014
phd
The part that always interested me has been where some space is changed. At school in most lessons you may lean a fact or change an opinion. These are all above touch. Above the animal. In art, or metal or woodwork something actually happened. The world changed. Even if it was in a tiny way, a scribbled drawing. But a thought. What is that? Does it even exist?
As I grew up my respect has always been with the boxers, the rugby players, my disrespect goes out to the theorists.the pundits in their seats, saying what they would have done, if only they were good enough to take part.
At the rave you can stand at the side and study the cultural phenomena but what is that. Bosh a pill and get dancing. Take part. Live.
I'm not sure I can do pure study.
As I grew up my respect has always been with the boxers, the rugby players, my disrespect goes out to the theorists.the pundits in their seats, saying what they would have done, if only they were good enough to take part.
At the rave you can stand at the side and study the cultural phenomena but what is that. Bosh a pill and get dancing. Take part. Live.
I'm not sure I can do pure study.
Wednesday 8 October 2014
Brief Update
Great to have the desk underway, it will be a specialiece, but saddening I cannot share photos. Tomorrow we hope to have the facility once again as Skreeworld blog was intended to be a photographic record of what I see. It began to exhibit as an outlet for snippets of news stories that interested me the photography I was taking of derelict and industrial buildings. Later it became a vehicle for the expression of my philosophical understanding of the world. There was a period of nearly two years where I barely wrote a word and focused on my art photography. I later introduced my day job of furniture making. At two points it became autobiography, 'how did I get here' and the 'near death experience.' Lately it has lost its way a little while I undergo personal changes. The trolls do affect you, even though it is evident that they are sad characters with empty lives. If I don't like something I just turn over. Their aim is to hurt but the effect they have on me is disappointment that they havnt found a vocation and it saddens me that there must be quite a few individuals out there who realy have nothing better to do. Without a creative purpose, such as my writing, my photography, my furniture I would find life meaningless. What would be the point in carrying on. I guess these are the types who commit suicide or harm others, paedophiles etc. But life is too short to ponder these non entities. I have work to do. I have found myself on this planet, abundant with other life forms, and no one realy knows why this is. Isn't it unbelievably amazing that this should be. I feel honoured that of the billions of seeds my father spread one became me and I have grown to see all this wonder. Why are we here? They say why questions are pointless and all we ought ponder are the how questions. But I love to learn. Love to find out more. I am agnostic. It is the only real stance to take unless you have had a first hand religious experience. Sometimes I think I have. I shall sleep now and wake to this gloriously beautiful planet, consciousness will slowly awaken as my dog tells me to get going. To get up and explore with him.
approval
I think we all need a little bit of a pat on the back. Those of us who are working hard to contribute to the material culture of our times. I think of Fred and Gareth who through exhibitions get that support, that bit of encouragement to keep them going. This morning I had a long chat with david old field, one of the best cabinet makers I know. Like me he works almost entirely for private clients. Seldom do the wider public get to see his masterpieces yet he continues none the less. Then I thought of yesterday's troll who I doubtcontrobutes anything to the world. Just snide comments, trying to make the world a worse place to live. When he dies there will be nothing left. There really will have been no reason for his life.
Tuesday 7 October 2014
Why I hate coppers.
The reason I hate police is down to two events that happened before I was16. The first incident a group of my freinds had taken magics mushrooms and gone to a Rory Gallagher gig at leeds university. Turps, now deceased, was too tripped out to skin up so I rolled the joint while he sprinkled the weed in. I was grabbed from behind, quite viciously and dragged to the side of the hall. Aged 14. They took us to milgarth police station where I was strip searched, spread your cheeks, lift your testicles etc. Aged 14. That's sexual abuse. The following summer, still aged 14 me and a freind hitch hiked to Stonehenge 1981. Before I'd even got on site drug squad pulled us, drove us into amesbury where I was strip searched again. So before turning 15 I had been sexually abused by police. It began there and I've never shaken it off,
What is it with Trolls?
i published a trolls comments earlier so normal Skreeworld readers can get an idea of what they are like. Why bother reading someone else's writing just to swear and threaten them? It is invariably anonymous as they don't have the bottle to say who they are. I am happy to meet up with this character am prepared to travel to discuss there anger. If they want a square go I'm up for that too but I'll bet they are some spotty, inadequate who rarely goes out or dares get off his computer and interact with other humans. Their comments dont affect me, they give me a smile though.
Why don't you try doing something creative like writing, drawing or making things. This is what gives me happiness. Just a suggestion as you are clearly a little lost character who adds nothing to the world.
Why don't you try doing something creative like writing, drawing or making things. This is what gives me happiness. Just a suggestion as you are clearly a little lost character who adds nothing to the world.
Monday 6 October 2014
Loose Tooth
this tooth has been bugging me the while. TodY I will cut two ten mil squares of leather, double sided tape them to my pliers and drink a brandy and pull the bastRd out. I'm not being robbed by them white coated cunts again
Now I must work
Now I must work. If only I were a bit more loony then they'd pay me benefits. If only I were a bit more together I could work like a normal man. But I'm here, in the middle. Half mad. Half genius. Artists should be paid like they used to be in Poland. It's a condition no one would ask for and completely necessary for society. What would you straights all buy, what would be tha point of going to work if we didn't make you beautiful things to make your black and white lives have colour, eh?
Saturday 4 October 2014
Where to from here?
I feel I have discovered something of great value yet the sceptic in me is always nagging away. Perhaps you should experience things and there truth lies in that moment only. I suppose, deep down, as my blog objective or mission statement read my aim is to try understand what I'm doing here, where here is and what am I. My youthful love affair with psychedelics was in truth a search for the spiritual which is eminently clearly as real as the wood I touch and the sand I run through my fingers for some people yet it is invisible to me.
At the end of this episode of my life I had given it my all but it was just hallucinations. Pretty, beautiful, but I found no God at the end of it. We had some great times but I'm not sure if any of it was of any real value.
I'll need three weeks to ready myself but a small group of well trusted freinds, maybe four, I'd like to give it one more go. As a group we could do some night time exploring and share the em pathogenic effects.
I just recall one really special moment of beauty that I had forgotten. As we ventured out I looked up to the Stars and the entire sky was awash with multicoloured shooting stars. Keeping check on my dog I focused on him assuming it would be as wonderous when we reached the park and light pollution was less. But this rare moment was lost. I should learn from that. Take it while it's there.
But is any of it real. Perhaps you can only ever judge a moment within its own brief existence.
At the end of this episode of my life I had given it my all but it was just hallucinations. Pretty, beautiful, but I found no God at the end of it. We had some great times but I'm not sure if any of it was of any real value.
I'll need three weeks to ready myself but a small group of well trusted freinds, maybe four, I'd like to give it one more go. As a group we could do some night time exploring and share the em pathogenic effects.
I just recall one really special moment of beauty that I had forgotten. As we ventured out I looked up to the Stars and the entire sky was awash with multicoloured shooting stars. Keeping check on my dog I focused on him assuming it would be as wonderous when we reached the park and light pollution was less. But this rare moment was lost. I should learn from that. Take it while it's there.
But is any of it real. Perhaps you can only ever judge a moment within its own brief existence.
appendage
I would add two small additions I failed to include in my rather long trip report. When we were lost in the woods on several occasions a subtle light came around our small group to help us. This leads to my second omission. I never once felt it was just me and Dook. There was another presence or person or something with us. We were a group of three
An incredible night
I'd done a few AL-LADs, getting to know the drug and its peculiarities. It is perhaps more specific than LSD but , I believe an improvement. You are overcome with a reassurance and warmth that almost welcomes you in. LSD is impartial, you try your luck.
One is easily sufficient to have brief moments of breaking through or goal visual hallucinations in warm spirals of colour. One means you are able to communicate, if essential to straight heads. I took this about nine pm then took another an hour or so in.
Here things stepped up. I entered a different universe, equally detailed as our own. A life form, a number of them met me. They are dispassionate, not unnecessary cruel and not overly interested on the whole. Once your eyes close fractal patterns and the usual psychedelic mundania. Open them and you are still with them suggesting they have substance just like us. At one point I asked if I would be able to see them in the future, not on drugs and they showed me how to look to check. You may think I am mad but these things I speak are real.
I took a third around mid night. I tried to make sense of my iPad but space documentaries spoilt my precious hours here so I abandoned the technology along with my phone. My soul brother Dean had done a parallel trip and it felt like I could have reached out and heald his hand.
it'd and spent hours exploring these new lands. I could bring myself to reality for toilet or tea making but that would be about my limit.
At 3am I knew it was just three hours till I take Dook out so I took another to keep the trip going. Around five I had tried my partners patience despite my best efforts to tip toe about. Another alert consciousness on a house can be enough to deny the relaxation necessary for sleep.
Five am mission begins. I dressed in black cammos, pockets full of survival tricks. Dook and me in the pitch black in a complete hallucinatory new reality. Total dark, the half moon had set. After crossing the parks streets began to look alike but Dook led the way, Past the old redundant police station, nipped across broadfield and past the old post office up elm lane and then out into the open fields that look over the mendips. By now, In total darkness I was lost in hallucination and had to trust to Dook who knows our routes now for me it was a different universe, never mind trying to follow routes. I just let him lead. Trust your dog. They see and are aware of a lot of things we know nothing of and a surprise growl at someone you thought quite benign often proves a better judge of character than we are. You can't lie to a dog. Tell him the hats still new and he sees through the bullshit.because that is all we are. The stories we tell ourselves, the personalities we all wear so as to get through the social Argie bargie are largely bullshit. Most never have to face this or address this unless they succumb to an addiction, to drugs or sweets or overeating then throwing it all back up in the ladies.
We somehow crossed the first two fields, still pitch black, still peaking on five AL-LADs. Once o found the gate I felt familiar ground and we walked down to the majestic horse chestnut. This tree has saved my life this year. I have hugged her so hard, begging for her help earlier in the year, around my suicide trial/attempt. She stands there ind you just soak up the calm.
This is a very special magic we have found. I can't imagine how I could have wanted to die. And then this came along. I was once told by some new Agee I was 'spiritually retarded'. I wore this with pride and advanced an impossibly simplistic materialism. I mean we have begun to see the neuroscience of love, we measure emotion as, if you are a materialist love must be some electrochemical wurrings in your gears. I dreamed we may begin to.grasp how matter can think and feel and even question its own existence. All from natures biological miracle.
We left the tree and stumbled further out in to the dark. I wanted to keep to routes and paths Dook knew because in the darkness and me seeing all manner of beautiful oriental interiors. English ones too from days when perhaps dwellings had stood and a few lingering memories had broken back the centuries. Simple folk too, tradesmen, locksmiths, carpenters , my own field.
There is an intimacy that is personall to the individual where touch takes place. Where matter, Earth, clay, stone or wood hits the skin, when we hold and feel the texture. No one else ever sees that. It is yours alone. My instinct is to touch and engage with the qualities of whatever place I find myself. Perhaps because it is part of the other story of our lives. The version only we know. Not the outsider looking in. Biography.
Do not try this at home. I am a trained and seasoned outdoor guy and an expert on hallucinogenic drugs. Always let people know where you are and what you have taken, just in case the worst occurs.
The sneaky back entrance in to Vallis is easily missed if you don't know your way. It's still pitch black, we ate now entering the undergrowth of woodland the path quite invisible so I let Dook lead. Through tunnels of darkened woodland suddenly I walked straight in to a steel post. An experience a bit lick being hit on the head with a hammer. Dook got us to the bridge where each day in daylight we climb a few rock steps. It was at this point I realised we had not been alone since entering the woods. A presence who shone a light to help us at our most crucial moments.
It was hear I began to hear the screech owls calling from one side of the valley, calling out to the tawny owls classic owl noises. Having found the river the owl chorus was comforting and recquisitly beautiful in its raw tooth and claw animal purity the sky began to deliver a little light then a sudden rain came in so we stepped on.
Trip reports are usually dull a situs like dancing about architecture. Little can be captured with mere words.
Rambo style now, pouring rain, barest glimmer of daylight we passed a guy who I see most mornings. We always say something but are words are true. We are the only two who go through Vallis all the way regardless.of conditions and this inspires a mutual respect. I assume he is armuRx special forces perhaps. This morning even he was.surprised to see me and Dook emerging from valis tunnel of darkness.
Light comes over fairly rapidly so only the very kean dog walkers were out. Three hours we had done. Fifteen miles at a guess. Dook.got us through that one. Half elf, half unicorn, half something else, he really. Is a creature to admire and behold it is an honour I have been given to be chosen to be his human.
When we got back to town I was still hallucinating madly yet it was controllable. If I had to state the key difference between LSD an AL-Lad which is synthesised from LSD it.would be this. With AL-LAD you have the steering wheel, with LSD your are on a runaway train which is exciting in your teens. But I'm a half century..
What ought I do with this incredible gift? I am not special or alone in being aware but this is serious business. This maybe your life from other worlds.Only a selfish man wouldn't want to share. But a warning. This is serious. If you just want to get smashed I suggest you look elsewhere.
Sleep calls no.
Love to all
One is easily sufficient to have brief moments of breaking through or goal visual hallucinations in warm spirals of colour. One means you are able to communicate, if essential to straight heads. I took this about nine pm then took another an hour or so in.
Here things stepped up. I entered a different universe, equally detailed as our own. A life form, a number of them met me. They are dispassionate, not unnecessary cruel and not overly interested on the whole. Once your eyes close fractal patterns and the usual psychedelic mundania. Open them and you are still with them suggesting they have substance just like us. At one point I asked if I would be able to see them in the future, not on drugs and they showed me how to look to check. You may think I am mad but these things I speak are real.
I took a third around mid night. I tried to make sense of my iPad but space documentaries spoilt my precious hours here so I abandoned the technology along with my phone. My soul brother Dean had done a parallel trip and it felt like I could have reached out and heald his hand.
it'd and spent hours exploring these new lands. I could bring myself to reality for toilet or tea making but that would be about my limit.
At 3am I knew it was just three hours till I take Dook out so I took another to keep the trip going. Around five I had tried my partners patience despite my best efforts to tip toe about. Another alert consciousness on a house can be enough to deny the relaxation necessary for sleep.
Five am mission begins. I dressed in black cammos, pockets full of survival tricks. Dook and me in the pitch black in a complete hallucinatory new reality. Total dark, the half moon had set. After crossing the parks streets began to look alike but Dook led the way, Past the old redundant police station, nipped across broadfield and past the old post office up elm lane and then out into the open fields that look over the mendips. By now, In total darkness I was lost in hallucination and had to trust to Dook who knows our routes now for me it was a different universe, never mind trying to follow routes. I just let him lead. Trust your dog. They see and are aware of a lot of things we know nothing of and a surprise growl at someone you thought quite benign often proves a better judge of character than we are. You can't lie to a dog. Tell him the hats still new and he sees through the bullshit.because that is all we are. The stories we tell ourselves, the personalities we all wear so as to get through the social Argie bargie are largely bullshit. Most never have to face this or address this unless they succumb to an addiction, to drugs or sweets or overeating then throwing it all back up in the ladies.
We somehow crossed the first two fields, still pitch black, still peaking on five AL-LADs. Once o found the gate I felt familiar ground and we walked down to the majestic horse chestnut. This tree has saved my life this year. I have hugged her so hard, begging for her help earlier in the year, around my suicide trial/attempt. She stands there ind you just soak up the calm.
This is a very special magic we have found. I can't imagine how I could have wanted to die. And then this came along. I was once told by some new Agee I was 'spiritually retarded'. I wore this with pride and advanced an impossibly simplistic materialism. I mean we have begun to see the neuroscience of love, we measure emotion as, if you are a materialist love must be some electrochemical wurrings in your gears. I dreamed we may begin to.grasp how matter can think and feel and even question its own existence. All from natures biological miracle.
We left the tree and stumbled further out in to the dark. I wanted to keep to routes and paths Dook knew because in the darkness and me seeing all manner of beautiful oriental interiors. English ones too from days when perhaps dwellings had stood and a few lingering memories had broken back the centuries. Simple folk too, tradesmen, locksmiths, carpenters , my own field.
There is an intimacy that is personall to the individual where touch takes place. Where matter, Earth, clay, stone or wood hits the skin, when we hold and feel the texture. No one else ever sees that. It is yours alone. My instinct is to touch and engage with the qualities of whatever place I find myself. Perhaps because it is part of the other story of our lives. The version only we know. Not the outsider looking in. Biography.
Do not try this at home. I am a trained and seasoned outdoor guy and an expert on hallucinogenic drugs. Always let people know where you are and what you have taken, just in case the worst occurs.
The sneaky back entrance in to Vallis is easily missed if you don't know your way. It's still pitch black, we ate now entering the undergrowth of woodland the path quite invisible so I let Dook lead. Through tunnels of darkened woodland suddenly I walked straight in to a steel post. An experience a bit lick being hit on the head with a hammer. Dook got us to the bridge where each day in daylight we climb a few rock steps. It was at this point I realised we had not been alone since entering the woods. A presence who shone a light to help us at our most crucial moments.
It was hear I began to hear the screech owls calling from one side of the valley, calling out to the tawny owls classic owl noises. Having found the river the owl chorus was comforting and recquisitly beautiful in its raw tooth and claw animal purity the sky began to deliver a little light then a sudden rain came in so we stepped on.
Trip reports are usually dull a situs like dancing about architecture. Little can be captured with mere words.
Rambo style now, pouring rain, barest glimmer of daylight we passed a guy who I see most mornings. We always say something but are words are true. We are the only two who go through Vallis all the way regardless.of conditions and this inspires a mutual respect. I assume he is armuRx special forces perhaps. This morning even he was.surprised to see me and Dook emerging from valis tunnel of darkness.
Light comes over fairly rapidly so only the very kean dog walkers were out. Three hours we had done. Fifteen miles at a guess. Dook.got us through that one. Half elf, half unicorn, half something else, he really. Is a creature to admire and behold it is an honour I have been given to be chosen to be his human.
When we got back to town I was still hallucinating madly yet it was controllable. If I had to state the key difference between LSD an AL-Lad which is synthesised from LSD it.would be this. With AL-LAD you have the steering wheel, with LSD your are on a runaway train which is exciting in your teens. But I'm a half century..
What ought I do with this incredible gift? I am not special or alone in being aware but this is serious business. This maybe your life from other worlds.Only a selfish man wouldn't want to share. But a warning. This is serious. If you just want to get smashed I suggest you look elsewhere.
Sleep calls no.
Love to all
Friday 3 October 2014
I began writing through this fog of psychedelia perhaps after its peaks. For sure I had entered different realities where no remainder of our plane still stood and it is as real as oak. My seven hour trip left ,e tired but spiritually fresh. 3pm, hardly worth going to bed. So I took the 2nd last to keep me awake till six when I will do the last of our ALL-LAD. It is a real high quality hallucinogen but my Dook has to run ten miles each morning and just cause I got off last night is no excuse. We'll be out, 6am, tripped off our bollocks oor no. Makes little matter so long as we are up and out in the field to see the life before the next
Thursday 2 October 2014
Dook Update
To think back that the expert dog behaviourists thought Dook would have to be killed now seems ludicrous. He had been ditched by his owners of four years, we were told because of a couples break up. But he was so thin he must have been starved prior to this. He found himself in Claverton dogs home which must be like dog jail. One ten minute walk a day. Other troubled dogs barking all around and the month he spent there was that period of vicious storms that began in mid December and straddled the Christmas period. So thin and scared of everything. He gave warning nips on several occasions and once bit and drew blood from over interested gypsy lads. My policy with dogs, and I believe it should be taught, is ignore the dog until he comes to introduce himself. Never approach or try touch a stranger dog. I had two female joggers try to smother him with their hands and he let out a warning bark saying,"who the fuck are you?". You are the dominant one so it is up to the dog to say hello to you and never be overfamiliar. Particularly, unless you know a dog don't touch him. You wouldn't want strangers in the street touching you. You would balk if strangers tried to touch your children. If he lets you fair play but all relationships take practice and learning about each other.
Dook is very playful with other dogs in the open field off leash and never fights. He can be a bit boystrous and clumsy which can freak out smaller dogs but generally you can trust him. Of course some dog owners have pretty weird ideas and some don't like to see them interact with their own species. This is just cruel and stupid.
He's getting much better with people if they approach slowly and keep their hands where he can see them. He has a tendency to jump up at people but I'm slowly helping him to control himself. His exuberance is loveable but needs refinement. When o think back to when tex was young he had many bad traits and was if anything wilder than Dook. Only thing with Dook is he's a little more fucked up. But the changes in him in this short time are unbelievable.
To be honest I see him picking up tex like traits. There is the conscious training we do but it's the unconscious way you are with them that developes their personality. They copy your habits. Ones you are not aware of. Dog training takes place despite your efforts rather than because of them.
I'm still a little wary of the inexperienced and over freindly types. Fools who approach dogs tied up outside shops where they are clearly vulnerable and you should keep clear unless you know them.
The biggest mistake with sled dog owners is under exercise. When you think they can do fifty miles in a pack pulling heavy weights a day on Arctic rescue missions you have to realise that the ten or twelve miles most working people can afford max, you're only touching the edge.
Their size and breed means they are not pets. They are as much an addition to your family as a foster child and often just as demanding. But the rewards are truly one of the wonders of existence. To be so close freinds with a beast of that size. A real honour. You'll have to sacrifice a whole bunch of stuff from festivals to parties. I had to give up lecturing because I could never find a dog sitter able to handle tex. Dook is coming along. A work in process but well on the way to being fully safe.
Dook is very playful with other dogs in the open field off leash and never fights. He can be a bit boystrous and clumsy which can freak out smaller dogs but generally you can trust him. Of course some dog owners have pretty weird ideas and some don't like to see them interact with their own species. This is just cruel and stupid.
He's getting much better with people if they approach slowly and keep their hands where he can see them. He has a tendency to jump up at people but I'm slowly helping him to control himself. His exuberance is loveable but needs refinement. When o think back to when tex was young he had many bad traits and was if anything wilder than Dook. Only thing with Dook is he's a little more fucked up. But the changes in him in this short time are unbelievable.
To be honest I see him picking up tex like traits. There is the conscious training we do but it's the unconscious way you are with them that developes their personality. They copy your habits. Ones you are not aware of. Dog training takes place despite your efforts rather than because of them.
I'm still a little wary of the inexperienced and over freindly types. Fools who approach dogs tied up outside shops where they are clearly vulnerable and you should keep clear unless you know them.
The biggest mistake with sled dog owners is under exercise. When you think they can do fifty miles in a pack pulling heavy weights a day on Arctic rescue missions you have to realise that the ten or twelve miles most working people can afford max, you're only touching the edge.
Their size and breed means they are not pets. They are as much an addition to your family as a foster child and often just as demanding. But the rewards are truly one of the wonders of existence. To be so close freinds with a beast of that size. A real honour. You'll have to sacrifice a whole bunch of stuff from festivals to parties. I had to give up lecturing because I could never find a dog sitter able to handle tex. Dook is coming along. A work in process but well on the way to being fully safe.
Wednesday 1 October 2014
The Jogger part 2 - Forgiveness
Me and Dook had done our eight miles and we're just heading up the hill for the final two home when I saw the jogger. First time since our fall out. He caught up with us wished us agood morning so I asked if he had recovered. He stopped his pace and we walked together. He accepted it was one of those things, I apologised. He said he'd hurt his hip and chipped a bone in his hand and taken a weeks rest from jogging. I still suspect his injuries were of the imaginary kind but given his meeting me half way I made no complaints. So we are freinds again. Early risers have to share the world. My ten mile walk each morning entails a certain degree of risk as does his run. After all, we are closer in what we do than those who lie in. It felt good.
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