Spring

It never ends so easily. Invariably, in my experience a period of depression won't end with any neatness. There are always false dawns, days, even weeks where things appear on the turn. In the fragile condition of recovery the smallest thing can put a sufferer once again in to pits. The brain chemistry takes time to find fresh pathways, these shoots of growth test for openings that sometimes aren't there. The sensation all depressives know, that gap, close to migraine, close to hangovers and drug come downs, the tightening of the muscles, the vulnerabillity to cold, the lack of desire to eat, for sex, for daylight. The sleeping just to find oblivion. The innability to sleep where thought, guilt, worry make endless futile patterns of disfunction. Finding sleep only to be ripped violently in to consciousness by in the night by express trains of information. As the brain malfunctions it finds patterns, connections that aren't real. Attempts to help can seem attacks. Many sufferrers choose to hide away as the have nothing to offer or for fear that they may make some accusation based on faulty wiring they will later regret. The horrible knowledge that what you are is wrong and will be different from the you you would or should be. To hide your Hyde away out of respect for friends and colleagues in the full awareness that Jeckle is less likely to regrow. There can be few afflictions less attractive, few states a human can be in that inspire less compassion. Some even deny depressions existence. The pull your socks up crew, the get yourself together, lad, brigade. This faction even find terminal depression somehow explainable in their theory. Describing the final act as selfish. Well, I see nothing more selfish than to put ones loss above anothers suffering. An act of a magnitude that goes against all biology. The way I try to understand this is as illness, when a heart goes wrong, a liver, other major organs it will bring you down, as when brain goes wrong it will too. There is an after. An after for loved ones struggling to understand, as impossible to understand after as before. There is often nothing that could be done, at least not by another. There is an after the moment too, remember this. You will not feel this way always, it is a temporary condition, think of yourself five, even one year ago, todays state will be forgotten in a year. The mistake that many people who have never had depression make is to think it must be like having the blues, being sad. The most frequent follow up question, even by psychiatrists who really ought to know better, is 'what are you depressed about?' About! You can be upset by something, sad about something but not depressed 'about' something. Here is the great misconception. Depression is rarely a response to your situation. And when it is, it is curable. Leave your husband, pack in your shitty job, move to another country. No depression is that which you would carry with you. That which cannot be repaired by a new set of stimuli. This is all getting a bit depressing. What to do.
Firstly, remove all possible causes however permanent they may seem. Getting out of your job is not the end of the world. Remember when you had never even heard of the place? Gently reimurge. No one probably even noticed, even if they did they probably thought you were just being strange. If your first day out of the door doesn't go well, forgive yourself and try aain tommorrow, if that doesn't work try again next week, the world slipping away is unlikely to be true, if it is well, you didn't like it much anyway, by all accounts. The return will be long with many setbacks but if you take out the pressure and feeling that you must get well today or you will lose everything then your recovery is more likely to be swift. It isn't your fault. This happens to many, often to very successful people. It is unlikely anyone will be trying to hinder your progress, they may be impatient but they will just have to wait, their impatience is their problem and likely to make them unhappy so, in a sense, you are helping them. And finally,you know who you are, you know who I am, where I am so give me a shout if you need owt.
love skree x