And I'm so scared

But I know that my fear must be a small fraction of what her fear must be. Another doctor appointment today that resulted in very little other than an increase in her dose of antidepressants that I don't think work much. She found an NHS letter that describes her deterioration. How the cavities in her lungs are now much worse and contain toxins as yet unknown. On Friday we're back to the hospital for the camera through the nose and into the lung. She is very scared of going. It sounds incredibly uncomfortable and painful. It will be a challenge to get her to go but without it the situation will be undiagnosed and her deterioration will be more swift. I know that she won't get better. She will have good days and bad but the direction of the path is certain. I'm here to hold her hand all the way but I can't help carry the pain for her. Poor flower. I wish to dive into an ocean of heroin and never come up. I'm sorry. I'm so useless.

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