Her Pain

I feel ashamed. Claire has been in and out of hospital since a few weeks before Christmas. Her fragile health has taken various dips and levels. Now she has been getting extreme pain in her chest. There are few pain receptors in the lungs but recently she has begun to suffer from pain a lot. At first she described it as being in her boob but in the last couple of weeks has started to say that it is in her chest. She is reluctant to go for the next test which is a bronchoscope. She is very vocal in her pain and screams out. I have to get some sleep though it is often broken when I hear her wailing. So I have brought her all I can, she doesn't want to go to the hospital and I'm not sure that they would be able to help her with this much as she is already on a high dose of painkillers. With emphysema the small pockets that make up the lung break into larger pockets and lesions and the lung loses the ability to exhale. She has some toxins in there that, as yet they haven't been able to identify and I believe that until they have sent a small camera in to look at and to take a sample they won't be able to do. Without sleep I am unable to look after her or the dog or take her back and forth to the hospital and due to her periodic wailing I have had to go lie in the next room to try to get some sleep. I feel guilty and ashamed for this but can think of no other way to manage. She has said that she doesn't want to live like this anymore. I don't know if she will recover and enjoy better days or if this is how she will be. She tried to go stay at a freinds house but I had to go and collect her. I tried to get her to see her gp to get a referral to get a place on a respiratory ward today but she wouldn't do that. I explained that it is Friday and that over the weekend we would have to go through the A and E system. This can take several hours waiting with the many other people in need of attention. She is quiet now but she will wake again before long so I should grab an hour or two of sleep while I can. I love her and for sickness and in health swore to be there. I just pray that the pain will subside. That she won't be suffering so much soon. But I don't know how things will play out.

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