The search for the Animal

The search for those moments where you arent aware of yourself, which is my main quest. Just to be doing, not thinking, which is against my nature. I used to find it in drawing. It can be found when you lose yourself dancing though, without MDMA I find this hard. I used to get it from skating on ice. I get it when hunting, caring for others, sometimes in making things though this is fading from me now. I have lost interest in process and am just interested in the finished thing. I would love to have it all made for me. You can find it when you are swimming, having sex, in almost anything where the action isnt premeditated. As soon as you think of what you are going to do, any sort of planning and he state is lost. Ths is so evident in sport which is why it interests me. When a team clicks like Leeds RL did on saturday or when Ronnie O Sullivan forgets himself it is a wonder to behold. It is eay to see why Gascoigne and Best turned to alcohol. To have been so frely able to minimise the gap between thought and action to zero, where it becomes one thing, then to los it through age, only drugs and alcohol can give a taste of that disinhibition. This is why I struggle. Trying to find the zone is hard and oblivion can be the only wa. However, this is the route to self destruction.