Safe Drinking

The government and various scientific bodies have recently produced a lot of confusing and misleading information about the safe ammounts of alcohol to consume and drug classification systems. We at Skreeworld have carried out a thirty year study on these subjects and, as such, are the only body truly quallified to claqrify the situation.
Firstly and most importantly, know your limits, after drinking a bottle of spirits there is clear evidence that your judgement may well be impaired so here are a few guidelines.
One bottle of wine an evening is a healthy intake, sufficient to prevent heart problems in later life and should leave no hangover for anyone born north of  Nottigham. Two bottles, though twice the fun, can lead to a distopia or feeling of sadness the following morning that is unlickley to pass until you drink your evening wine. The same rules apply for a 4 pack of Special Brew, a healthy midweek drink however 8 cans and you are pushing your luck and the following working day may be affected.
Should you have the misfortune to be born south of Nottingham or, indeed be a poor drinker all is not lost. There is always binge drinking. This activity is really for women but the afforementioned can benefit from this drinking systemk too. It is best carried out within the sight of CCTV cameras so that your staggering around in a state of undress, carrying your removed stilletoes can be watched on channel 5 or Panorama at a later date.
A brief aside, thier is an area of nthe west country known as the Mendip Hills where famous cider drinkers the Wurzels come from who canm give any northerner a good run for his money. For further information google Adge Cutler and the Wurzels.