Greif comes in strange and unpredictable ways. Since Midge passed away I don't think my partner has fully accepted it yet. They were much closer than I was to Midge but she meant a lot to me. We had one of those family relationships where we could get on each other's nerves yet still knew what was important.
I drove to Trowbridge to the paints and polish shop and had a couple of AL _LAD in my pocket. With the immininent law changes coming in i chewed them up and swallowed knowing I would be home before any effects took hold. The shaky transition of realities can be a little disorientating as patterns on Lino flooring warp and shift. Hallucinatory openings begin. Midge was there. My partner lay in bed, reading and sleeping. Midges smells permeated the flat. Her colours, the patterns of her drapery, her spirit, her presence was strong. Whether you take AL-LAD atheisticslly or believe in the spirits it can invoke one thing is for sure. While tripping they are real and that maybe all we can say of any truth. I have never felt the prescience of a dead person so strongly in m,y life. She was there.
This communication went on for some time. I went to lie next to my partner and floods of tears came from my eyes. I yearned to share this but I don't think I was able.
As darkness came I took Dook to lidl. Sparkling in his glory. Sharp his aesthetic with red harness he looked magnificent.
Some sad things have happened this year. I decided to come out regarding my past use of drugs, much like homosexuals do, so as not to live a lie. This proved to be my undoing.
I told My workshop partner who I shared a workshop with about my AL-LAD trip on my birthday.
Now our fifteen odd years of workshop sharing are coming to an end. His knowledge of drugs is slim and narrow based on his smoking cannabis and taking cocaine at Glastonbury. These are two drugs I hate and don't classify with the transcendent qualities of halucinogens.
The yearning for spiritual transcendence is deep in all of us. AL-LAD can deliver these sensations. It is not something to be taken often, more a sacrament to be used sparingly when needed.
So, coming out has lost my two closest or two of my closest freindships. But if they are built on ground that the admission of occasional psychedelic use can crumble one has to ask if they are important. For several years I have been needing to find a more creative working environment. My work tends to be solid timber, native hardwood furniture and the odd art piece. Magnus focuses more on MDF and commercial work. To develope one needs creative people to bounce ideas off. Time to move to a working environment where a more artistic approach is evident.
This year has been tough. My psychotic episode resulted in this rejection from people close. Mental illness pushes people away. I felt a deep loss of respect from people close to me.
What I learned this year, and I had been warned by gay people, jews and blacks is that straight people may pretend, even to themselves that they are not raccsist. They will claim they accept homosexuals. They will claim to see equality in the mentally ill. But scratch that veneer, just a little, and they are still bigots underneath.
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