Due to my early walking with Dook I tend to be in bed before nine but something woke me last night. Perhaps it was Dook panting, it was a hot night, that triggered what I saw. But it had none of the qualities of a dream. It had the feel of reality. Looking up from my bed I turned my bedside light on. Both Dook and Tex lay peacefully sleeping. It was quite ordinary and I took it that way. No shock. I merely turned off the light and went back to sleep. It was only when waking later that I remembered that Tex died last year. Perhaps he has been the guardian angel that has seen me through this period. I asked and borrowed money but others straight up offered. Kindness beyond anything I had experienced before. My main client who I had run in to debt with firstly accepted my repayment plan and also allowed me as much time as I need to recover. He even paid a months rent so i could keep my home. Generosity I didn't really deserve. But I will pay back every penny. My landlord also accepted the offer of me making new windows for the house which are in a dilapidated state. At first he stated he was opting for plastic. I emailed again pleading that the architectural note gritty of the building deserved better and that, if I am guaranteed a long let. I would make the windows for cost price. The double glazed units are made up and I have machined up the timber ready to begin building them Monday. Mahogany was all I had so he is getting the deal of the century.
Other oddities occurred. We discussed how pleasant it would be to have an outdoor meal. As I walked Dook I found a mini barbecue. The lawn was getting out of control so after strumming it I found a JCB lawn mower outside a nearby house with free collector tagged to it. These gifts, all coming at the right time.
I used to say Tex was an angel in dog form for saving my life from paths I was going down. He put a stop to my teaching and lecturing as no one was able to look after him. More wolf than dog yet none violent. His separation anxiety was so great I, or a close freind had to be with him at all times. Hopefully Dook won't suffer this malady.
Why I do such stupid things as the earlier N.D.E. posts described I don't fully know. Its something self destructive in me. Something deep, deep down that when any success comes my way I will do something to destroy it. I don't feel I deserve anything. I have seen students from my college year I would describe as mediocre yet with self belief go on to great things. All good to them too. It is not their fault and they deserve to make the most of all they have. But deep down I know that they are mediocre. Given the drive and self promotional and human interpersonal skills I could have wiped the floor with them. And they know it too. This isn't bragging. I know when I meet a smarter man than me, or a stronger man than me. I am of the Van Gogh school of psychosis, self hatred, and self destruction. The current climate has floated over from the Atlantic and boasting is a requisite. Websites make me cringe as the artist brags in the third person attempting to inflate their work with a magic it doesn't have and wouldn't need describing if t did.
I often have a psychotic episode around the summer solstice. Looking back over the years it is clear. The other week during my MXP trip my dog needed to go out. I took him round the block but this didn't satisfy him so around midnight we set off for a few miles round the town. Something drew me to the top of Nunney road and looking down I saw a vast red moon rising. This is known as the super moon, when the earth and moon are closest. There are two more to come I believe early August then early September though not as powerful as this one. Solstice, super moon, maybe there is more to all this than I have as yet figured out. All I know is I have undergone a transcendental change. An experience of the numinous. Something beyond. My writings had followed an extreme materialist bent these last two years but something has blown apart what I though I knew. I know not what and describing how the changes are manifest I can only say a connectedness. Further than this words will not stretch.
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