Near Death Experience part 3

During his last weeks Richards father had tried to get me to talk some sense in to him but each time I broached subjects he didn't like he'd cut me off. After his death I fell apart. I hadn't realised how much I had relied on him for someone to talk to. Whilst staying with him I had picked up a taste for crack. Most crack smokers use heroin to come down but I was determined never to take heroin again. I defy anyone to not enjoy crack. It is a release of dopamine, a pure pleasure chemical in your brain. If you like pleasure, you like crack. But it leads to obsession and suicidal thoughts. Besides, there was no way I could have been accepted in that comunity of leeds.junkies if I didn't take something. They would have thought I was an undercover pig and killed me.
I recall letting rip at Betty Norbury that day I heard of Richards death. She phoned me with some trivia and as death often makes happen the veils of bullshit were ripped down. It was months later that I realised how off the rails his death had sent me. And the ripples lasted years during which I cared little for what became of me.
I ought to explain that, although almost as soon as I realised I had become addicted to heroin I sought medical help and tried to get well. I won't bore you with all the usual junky tails but I saw it all. No one wants to be a heroin addict. It cost me not having children, my wife, my house. I ended up living in my workshop and it was here I did my biggest rattle. I would say final rattle but there were several lapses and relapses, many minor rattles. But I locked myself away in that stone barn and went through the hell of withdrawal.
A common misconception regarding heroin withdrawal is that it is like flu and it takes a week. I didn't sleep at all for three weeks. All your worst memories return. You have the emotional resilience of a new born baby. After a month it is possible to interact with other people but you are still tripped out and weak. After six months my endorphins still weren't right and I'd find myself crying and in utter misery. Eight months in and I could take no more and this final relapse ended with me prescribed subutex and I have been on this ever since.
I am happy to stay that way. The latest angle on addiction is to see it more through the lens of diabetes. A chemical imbalance the addict tries to self correct in order to be normal. This is the most accurate way of looking at it I have come across. The old and outdated view that the addict is some self indulgent greedy lay about just doesn't sit with the truth.
For further reading on the recent neuroscience of addiction read 'The Chemical Carousel by Dirk Hansen".