Change

Rattling does get easier in some respects. The knowing what it is and what to expect are valuable tools. Understanding what is happening to you makes what first time seems madness become the knowledge of what neurotransmitters are re growing. Opiate withdrawal, after the first month of nightmare and illness a condition where no emotional shielding protects you. There are moments of utter transcendence, the raw beauty we can not see under normal conditions is there. You cry at dew on grass, butterflies, nature in all it's fantastic wonder is revealed. Yet this is utterly overwhelming. Many find God. Many have no choice. I can think of no other change a human can go through that is so deep. The core of ones being is open to everything. Pain, of course, has no endorphin shield. Often people fall in love with ridiculously inappropriate people. You see reality unprotected by any buffer. These moments of beauty are minority to the realisation of mans true evil acts. Television news has to be avoided, all horror frequently leaves individuals with PTSD. Benzodiazepenes mimic the GABA family of receptors. These are there to relax you, to return to stability after a shock. A near crash may send an adrenaline surge but once danger passes GABA resettles you to appropriate reactivity to the event. Benzo withdrawal, because of this, can be worse than heroin withdrawal. That adrenaline can remain unchecked for three days. It is complete madness. Sleep comes rarely and viciously crammed with nightmares beyond any possible to a normal person. Each night after two or three hours I would wake, head in hands, crying in terror. Yet waking brings little relief from the nightmares. Traffic noises slither and grate unabated and torturously. Kettles climb to boiling can utterly terrify. Derealisation is a word used to describe a condition that lasts months where nothing is real but still there. Madness, hallucinations, wind blows buildings dangerously close to crushing you. Driving becomes impossible. Paranoia. The timescale so long it feels unendurable. Sleep won't relieve, nothing lets up. I daren't see a doctor for three months. Depersonalisation is the other word used in benzo withdrawal description. At least opiate withdrawal it's the raw you. Benzos are instrumental in constructing personality. You are not yourself. The first three months of utter hell lessen, six months in some developement and progress is attained, a year in you may or may not be able to work, eighteen months and most are through it. For two or more years, episodes will return, unpredictably. Some never return. Most stay medicated for life. Prescribed benzos and opiates till they die, such is the magnitude of repair. The year at least required to get well is beyond people's meens if they have children or no goal or purpose in mind. I am terrified at what lays ahead. I'm scared of telling my clients and freinds this week before I go. Because they will not understand. They will feel betrayed, let down, many things. But if I don't do this I will be forever nullified and die young. So I accept all insults and anger. It is nothing to what I must face. Most of them couldn't do it. Few ever have to make changes on this scale. Most live a lie. A story of themselves, never having to look at who or what they are. Right to the grave their lives a self deceptive narrative. I envy their fantasy, I envy their blindness. No one wants to see their true animal in all its corruption, in all its denials and self deception.
Monday I drive away from here leaving everything behind. I am frightened beyond words.