Delirium

The delirium of ones condition during withdrawall is such a personal thing. Buried beneath years of emotion blocking medication are so many memories, greif over deaths, unresolved issues. The pain of physical withdrawall is quantifiable. One knows how to fight specific pain. But reemerging to a new world, stripped of all natural endorphins and GABA one is naked. Utterly raw. You don't know who you are returning as. This mental turmoil takes years to resolve. I can't promise anyone anything. Rehab use this place of utter personality fragmentation to build up a new you. But I'm trying to reassemble on my own. Delirious continually. Not sure about anything. Fear, cold, you are no more than a baby. Positioning oneself alongside another seems impossible. Big questions about relationships, what I want to do with my life are so far away from having an answer. There isn't a person at all to deliver answers. Just swirling emotions long left buried, crying over trivia, anger over mistakes, guilt about everything and shame so deep, so painful I don't feel the right to have any opinion on anything. Yet I'm expected to act as a rational human being.