How many weeks now since I took 20x the maximum recommended dose of methoxphenidine? I have recovered but am lucky to do so. Without help from freinds and family I certainly wouldn't be around. To pay my brother back I drive up to County Durham where he works as a butterfly conservationist. On arrival he was counting with fine tweezers, tiny grubs in to various containers. The pearl bordered frattiliary is endangered and he works to prevent its extinction. It was ant day too. All ant colonies in the British isles grow wings, queen up and swarm. This takes place within a fourty eight hour period from john o groats to lands end. How do they know the right day? Victorians knew that ant day happened at the same time in local areas but only recently have we found the phenomena happens at the same two days all over this country. I have never seen a pearl boarder end frattiliary in the wild.
Rather than pay him cash back I knocked down his rotting porch and built a new one. Working full days for four days I was unable to totally complete it but janes brother is an old joiner and a day should have it licked, then another felting and painting.
We went over to see my niece. Sadly she suffers from schizophrenia and personality disorder. Taking drugs too young may have triggered it, who knows. Taking drugs too young may have triggered my mental health issues. My girlfriend has mental health issues and my dog is a mad fucker but I don't care. I'd sooner have it this way. As david Bowie sang , 'I'd rather play here, with all the madmen, than perish with the sad men roaming free. I'd rather stay here, with all the madmen, I'm quite content they're all the same as me." My niece is far more out there than me, so I'm told, though I've never witnessed her episodes and she has not witnessed mine. A mirror on the table revealed powder snorting went on and the stink of skunk. Two worst drugs for her condition . I do hope she's alright. I do love her more than any in the family. She's regularly sectioned. You could say this is the damage drugs can cause, or perhaps she would have been the same any road, even if she'd led a boring growing up.
I wonder at the damage the methoxphenidine did to my brain. I'm not quite the same. But I'm not too different. Something others judge.
These thoughts run through my head as I walk through the green. Trying to sneak in to the quarry to catch a picture of a peregrine a kestrel surprised me. You don't see so many as you did back in the eighties. Next thing I loo round and Dook has shot up the rock face, some fourty feet high, after a stray cat. I shat myself and shouted blue murder at him to get the fuck down but his prey drive takes over and he becomes deaf to my ears. Yet he is the most athletic sled type dog I have known and the cliff face was no trouble for him.
You could feel it in the air that summer is closing in. I like all the seasons and all weathers though I am prone to winter depression. I'm prone to depression at any time to be honest. But I'm prone to joy too. I have my manic side.
Back in the workshop somehow saddens me. I've enjoyed my time off and am great full for being allowed it. We all need to pause and reconsider our lives. And in many ways a powerful trip can knock you out of thought ruts you have developed. I do not recommend MXP though, nor diphenidine. I freinds son was hospitalised in a crazed state from MXP last week. He's younger than me and the human brain is not fully formed until you are twenty five so we'll have to see if there is any permanent damage. I'd be surprised. He's no novice to consciousness expansion.
But this is the result of making the drugs people need like LSD and ketamine, to clear out the mind illegal. It forces chemists to search for untested chemicals to trigger similar states and often these drugs have an abundance of faults. I will write about this issue further another time.
We sleep now so we can rise early to walk the woods before the others are up. And its no fun staying up late when you are sober .
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