It's just not cricket again

Depression, at least to some degree, can be caused by a sense of failure and if we are to think of success as being the achievement of intent then great expectations could well be the first step toward depression. Virtually all depression can be traced back to loss, often bereavement. Beraevement of an individuals ida of oneself included. Expect nothing and you can regard any fortune as success A steady uprise of wealth, professional success and achievement is the recipe for happiness. The the impossibillity of me following a pattern like this has always been clear to me. Being manic depessive, i hate the evasive term 'bi polar', my life is a roller coaster of highs and spasms of energy thought and productivity followde by deep, dark valleys. It is a difficult landscape, a yorkshire dales rather than an east anglia. Not all manic depressives are artists though many artists are manic depressives. Juggling uncontrolable belief in ridiculous possibilities followed by disbelief in obviously apparent likelyhoods can be a draining prospect. I spend days convinced I am heading for the gutter and days in the full knowledge I am on a rocket to the stars. Probably the worst trait I have is a total distrust of the 'stable'. I spent a year and a half on drugs prescribed by psychiatrists that levelled me off. I was never sad but never really happyt. The joy I felt when I stopped taking them was a home coming party for the prisoner, back on the roller coaster of heaven and hell, but me. The predictable are not to be trusted, the regular to be avoided, the straight to be despised. We are gifted with a sense that trounces science, trust your emotions, they are faster and more accurate than logic or science. This caos isnt always fun and may well kill me one day but what I do know is that it is my 'super power', the chemically restrained neutrallity the psychiatrists drugs gave me nothing of significance could ever be achieved. I could have been a lecturer or some mundane 9 to 5er but i would never have shot the stray bullet of change, he spanner in the works, the disrupter of the complacent of thought that i was born to be.